Closing Chapter

This is the final blog post here on officeboredomblog. My chapter of darkness and negativity has come to an end. Not because I have found what I am looking for. But I am ready to let this go.

I have hated. I have harbored negative emotions. I have struggled. I have cried. I have been miserable. And this blogging platform gave me the freedom to vent anonymously and talk about things that I would not otherwise.

This blog also helped me land a job that I am currently in. I have never ever looked back. I am doing good and have many opportunities knocking on my door. I am immensely thankful for that.

I started Officeboredomblog when I was in a crappy office that had zero work ethic or work culture and a crappier pay back in 2015. I used to feel so out of place, frustrated, and bored in office that one afternoon I opened Officeboredomblog to have something useful to do.

Writing my heart out helped me calm down and de-stress. To be able to do that without being scared of what people would say is a true bliss.

I have written unfiltered posts about my breakup and dark thoughts. I do not regret it. But it let me learn many important lessons. Especially, about myself.

Over the past year, I might not have changed much but there is a change in me for sure.

I am finally in the phase of Acceptance. My broken family, my broken soul, and my broken heart.

With acceptance, forgiveness came easily.

I have forgiven my ex for how things ended and the long list of wrongdoings. He had his limitations and he acted as any human would. My heart still aches but it does not get fogged by anger or resentment.

Memories

I have partially forgiven my parents for starting a family on the wrong note. I have forgiven my dad for being absent and being a “lady’s man”. And, my mother for not letting father bond with us, instilling trust issues, baseless fears of losing, being over-controlling, and not helping me when I first showed signs of depression when I was in 7th grade.

They both too had their limitations. Circumstances and situations were also not on their side. Or… on our side.

I am forgiving myself one day at a time. I have done many things I shouldn’t have. I have said harsh things to my mother to the point that she broke down in tears. I have been rude, inattentive, and ungrateful to my friends. I have been an utterly nightmarish girlfriend – possessive, controlling, insecure, slandering, apathetic, and zero trust.

I have accepted that I cannot do anything about my broken family or my rough early life. But what I make of my life from now on is in my hands.

Love sunsets. Gives me hope that the sun will rise again

Don’t get me wrong, I am no magician. The issues I have are serious. It is going to take years of conscious practice to break that colored glass through which I see the world. But at least I will try. I won’t give up on myself.

I too deserve the best of this one life I have. With or without a human companion.

On that note, I would like to say thank you for taking the time to read my post(s). Thank you Opal Flame for being a pen friend (it’s been a while).

Thank you my dear blog. It’s time to let go, move forward, start the next chapter of my life, and allow healing.

Yours,

Officeboredomblog

Need to switch on the lights in the other room!

Almost A Year Now…

If someone told me last year this time that I was going to be sitting exactly where I was.. I wouldn’t believe it.

Cloud 9? A 10 or a 100 may be. I was getting married to the guy I loved and stayed loyal to for 4 years. 4 years of my crucial time. I was getting married in the hope to find happily ever after. I was so prepared for the domestic life and a freelancing career. I started to like babies. I still do.

That’s a pain I live with now. I am biologically and mentally prepared to mother a child. But, society doesn’t allow it freely yet. Moreover, I am not financially so well-to-do yet. Also… will I be a good mother? Or will I be like mine?

I know.. it’s 2020 and I should have moved on by now. But moving on is not just about finding the next good thing and finding happiness again. It’s about being OK looking back at the wasted time and how much invested you were in that relationship. Forgetting and forgiving.

But I am not OK looking back with my eyes open this time. About the times when there was a clear indication of a want to break up and I didn’t see it. The time when it was my birthday and he broke up with me. I was alone in the balcony at 12 in the night thinking, “it’s my birthday..and he broke up with me?! NO, he can’t do that!” And I rang him back again.

He might have been a nice guy to others. But was he really nice to me? There were patterns of behavior that I was totally blind to. What about the times when he thought I was less of him because I had a lesser pay? Or the fact that he likes fair girls and I am dusky? Or that I have acne marks and freckles while he likes white, porcelain skin? Why were these not indication enough that I was not his type? And that the moment he found someone that fills those blanks, he would get up and run?

Yes, I blame myself. But why do guys want to be remembered as “nice” when they could do us the favor of not wasting our time?

It’s 2020. And my brain has processed the fact that fair skin and dollar bills can win anything over. My brain has processed that I probably never knew him well. I am fully aware that I have issues. But who doesn’t? I acknowledge that I have been too blind in love. I regret my silly moves when all he did was manipulate me.

But my heart needs more time to heal. I cannot deal with emotional baggage. I just cannot be a shoulder to cry on. I dont want to be on the good books. I dont want to be your bestie. I cannot waste time thinking, “well..maybe.. let’s try..” I don’t want to feel insecure. I definitely don’t want to settle down for the next best thing.

I have plans. And, for the first time I dont want anyone’s opinion if my plan is a good one. If this sparks joy in me.. of independence, of being capable of standing alone, of not having to get emotionally drained and seeking attention… I think I am in the best phase of my life.

8 Months And Counting

8 months and counting.

No calls, no nothing

No “sorry”, no “come back”

No missed calls, no cryptic messages

8 months and counting

I am still struggling

To fight back tears

Amidst a crowded street

Where we once treaded hand in hand.

8 months and counting

It doesn’t hurt much like before

Didn’t I know it all along

You were looking for an escape

Just as I was.

8 months and counting

I don’t think I have changed much

Gullible and fragile

I wear my heart on my sleeve

Easily get hurt

But I won’t stop looking.

8 months and counting

Who knew I’d still think of you sometimes

Cry in anger and despair

What have you done?

Why didn’t I hear you out?

Why didn’t I step back, turn, and leave, my dignity intact?

8 months

And I am waiting

For the day I stop counting.

The Most Important Thing I Forgot About

I was cooking in the kitchen today and suddenly a flashback occurred.

The day we had broken up he had called my mother.

The reason he called her was because I had called his female married friend. Or, maybe they were having an affair.

He had called my mother to trash talk her. Why? Because she is separated and according to him, she is nothing more than a “characterless woman” who brought up another “characterless woman”.

He shouted on the phone, “I will destroy your whole family, I will destroy your whole family”

Why?

Because I had called his married female friend. Friend? Really?

Why did he give me reasons to call her? Why did he stay aloof just after the wedding was fixed? Why would he not pick up my calls whenever he was with her? Why was he suddenly calling all my dreams and ambitions “hopeless”?

Somehow.. in all the trauma.. this event had totally skipped my mind. He dared to call up my mother in the intention of trash talking her. The embodiment of a “nice guy” wanted to wash out my whole family. Because, of course, we don’t deserve a place here.

I, the fool, forgot about it and had called him after a week to beg him to come back to me. The things we do to keep being harmful to ourselves!

Love? Is it?

What Will It Take

What will it take to not feel let down by supposedly the “love of my life”? What hurts more? The rejection? Or the ego burn for the fact that he chose another woman over me? Or is it the fact that deep down I know that as human beings we tend to get attracted to things and beings that are more promising and exciting.

I don’t earn 200,000 USD + benefits per year! I don’t have the white skin that Indians are obsessed with. I don’t have a slim body. Neither am I a Punjabi woman.

I have a dysfunctional family. A tormented childhood.

I have trust issues.

I was NEVER his type.

Yet I believed. I kept my eyes closed and ears plugged. He did so too.

Or maybe I forced him to. I wanted to show him blue. He saw red. And we both believed in a lie.

It’s more difficult to forgive myself for my actions than forgiving him. There are few nights when I don’t think what if I had turned and left the day he said he did not want to be with me for the first time?

Why was I always trying to fix that was broken at the base?

It was bound to crumble. Wasn’t it?

So.. what will it really take to not feel let down my myself?

Expectations Cause Invisible Scars

It was my mistake. To expect

That you, of all, would understand me. Love me and keep me safe.

But not everyone has that capacity. Now I know.

That’s why, I am sorry. I expected too much. I loved too much.

Although it’s taking time to move forward, I wish you never look for me. Hate me as much you want, curse my family, my whole existence. I’ll live with that.

Because I am scared I might fall for the same trap again if you just take once my name.

And I don’t want to be in this pain again.

So, hate me. Stay away. Be happy with whoever you want. Have a good life.

Just don’t pick me up only to thrash me down, put your leg on my chest, rub and squeeze until I vomit blood.

Words are your weapon. Not once have you laid your hands on me. But I bleed in pain from my wounds. Everyday.

So, stay away. Find the one you really love. Be happy. I want you to be happy. It’s not me, never gonna be me. I know now. And I am not trying.

After He Called Off The Wedding

Earlier this year I was told the most painful thing. And it changed my life.

In 2017 and 2018, I was in a dreamland. Contemplating marriage and kids. Somehow I felt marriage and kids would give me the happiness of family life I missed out on in my childhood.

I thought of myself as an ambitious woman. But the actions I was ready to take were just opposite. I was ready to give up my job and move to a different country.

Moving to a different country was a escape route. I was bored with my job. I wanted everyone to gawk at my lavish wedding. I wanted to be in an eternal bond that my parents did not have. I wanted to prove my mother wrong. I wanted to believe that seeing stars while kissing someone means you’ve found your soulmate.

I was naive.

I was insecure. I still am.

The wedding never happened. For at least a month after he called it off, I felt like Miss. Havisham (Great Expectations).

I thought of the wedding dress and jewellery I bought but never got to wear. The marriage hall we booked that my Mother had to cancel. The embarrassment. The hurt. The anger.

But all that started slowly weaning off. I started shifting between denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Denial made my hand tremble involuntarily. Denial made me check my phone for his texts and calls.

Anger made me toss away few of the gifts and perhaps memories. Anger made me blame everything on him. Anger made me not talk to my mother for days.

Bargaining made me buy a ticket to the other country to go visit him and convince him to take me back. Bargaining made me WhatsalApp him (after insults and word-injuries) and tell him how much he means to me. “I want to be with you. No one else.”

Depression, my friend for years, showed up finally. Depression made me go on dates. Sadly, I’d compare every guy with my ex and end up crying myself to sleep later in the night. Depression sure fits the name it’s got!

Acceptance. Not sure if I am there yet. Somedays I am aware of what happened and why I am not living the life I dreamt of. Other days, I say hello to Anger and Depression.

That’s when those painful words creep in. Loud and clear. White and bold.

“I can’t be with you.”

As if, I am an untouchable. A thing that you toss away when you are done with the good parts.

I remember feeling a pang in my heart for a moment. Then I felt relief. “He said it”, I thought. “He said it. My idea of happiness ends here. Now, I can begin a new journey.”

This hope of a new beginning kept me going. I felt more suicidal when I was with him than I feel now.

I saw stars when we kissed for the first time. But he is not my soulmate.

It was really, really tough getting through the months after. My eyes welled up in my hike meeting when the HR asked, “Are you ok?’ Embarrassing. But that did not stop me from dressing up well and showing up on time to work.

My productivity took a hit. My social media posts reduced. I still struggle to keep myself motivated every day.

Luckily, in the last few months I made friends, traveled (will travel more), and have started to plan my future as a scriptwriter/filmmaker. Mostly documentaries.

Marriage and kids. I want both. Marriage, may be not so much. A kid, yes. If I become financially stable enough.

No, I am not ok yet. But I am not unhappy either. I still belive in love. I still believe I will be really happy someday.

I want to forgive him (and myself) and forget. I do not want to hold on to this baggage.

In my gut, I know that all this happened for a greater purpose. I was meant to stay here. I was meant to meet the people that I do. I was meant to learn from mistakes.

Experience is never a waste. It only enriches life. It opens up the tunnel view and changes perspectives. It’s fulfilling. Everything does get better with time.

Me in Alleppey, Kerala, India