Home Alone

I walked the serpentine lane alone. I walked slower than usual. The trees and the buildings passed by, guys of all sort checked me out top to bottom as I walked past them, few cars lazily drove by but all I could hear was one voice.

Is it not true that we come in this world alone and we die alone? Then why are we so dependent on each other? Why do we need our parents, why do we need that one special person to spend the rest of our life? Why is love so important for me?

If you love someone, set him/her free. If he/she comes back, he/she is your true love. If not, it was never meant to happen. My father told me once.

Is it really about loving someone and setting someone else free? Or is it about setting yourself free? Free from not being wanted, free from not being loved, free from not being accepted, free from being a negative influence, free from being haunted by memories, free from expecting one phone call, free from secrets, free from apologies, free from confiding in each other, free from future plans, free from trying to be perfect… free from  me.

Every time I make up my mind to take the road less taken, I stop and see one path full of roses and thorns and the other quiet, calm, smooth but very lonely.

If I take the road less taken, I will set the caged bird free.

 

 

The Fanny Ardant in Me

I bumped into an article published in The Guardian and I fell in love with Fanny Ardant. I did not know her till today, I have not been fortunate enough to see any of her movies, I do not know anything about her success as a movie star, however, after reading the article, I recognized similar emotions in her, as me.

“I see things noir. I have a great black veil that falls over my head. I have never seen a psychoanalyst, though. I think if I did I would cry and cry a torrent of tears and never stop.”
“People say I am always exaggerating, but the only thing interesting in life is love. Whether we are happy or not, love is the essential. Everything else – money, power, glory – just fills the hole left by an absence of love.” 

Many times I have looked up psychiatrists online, but I never went ahead to get a “treatment”. It would be too embarrassing to cry and talk about all the secrets of my family and me, in front of a total stranger. Wouldn’t he/she judge me? Would she be able to understand what I am going through and would I be able to overcome my problems if I saw a psychiatrist? Is seeing a psychiatrist still a taboo here? What would I say? Will I be able to reveal why I couldn’t study and get a better score in high school ? Will I be able to tell what I saw as an infant?

So, I never went to see the psychiatrist. Like Fanny Ardant, I pretend. I think I would be an amazing actor! Though these days it has been tough pretending happy when I am not. All I want to do is sit in a dark sound-proof room and stare into the darkness. As if trying to find a little light. Would my mind stop talking then?

I like it or not, Love has always been the priority of my life. I think to spend time with the few people that matter the most, including yourself, is the best gift that one can give and get. Love, is what will make me stay. I often daydream about a full blown start-up business of my own. The power that money will bring me. The power to softly declare my win against the “friends” who think that I am a failure. The power to shut my relatives’ mouths. The power to employ and fire. The power to play with the bulls. I am sure all this will be more meaningful and fulfilling if I have my Love by my side. Without Love, I will not be truly happy. I don’t think I will ever be so successful without Love. Love makes me full on powerful and at times powerless. It builds me and destroys me. I know it is fleeting, but I have not given up on Love  yet.

I once wrote to my boyfriend in a dramatic way, after a bitter altercation, asking him to exchange souls for one day and see what my mind sees, what I feel when he behaves in a certain way and why I am so insecure. But if God really gave me that power, would I allow such pain to occur to him? He is innocent. He has not experienced what I did in a very early life. Would I spoil his innocence?
Never.