So Can I

How much is too much? Who set the boundary? No one. You are free. You can do as you may please. So can I. Would you judge me then? Yes it’s true, you are nothing like me. I can love like I will lose you. I can destroy like nothing could ever be built again. That’s why I love. This second, I don’t take it for granted.

Memories I made many, I have washed away many. Its a natural process that our brain does. It relieves us from any extra unnecessary information. I have sent down that path, many. Many, who created chaos in my head, who pained my heart. I forget. I walk ahead. That’s why I keep asking about the time that was spotless. To see if there is still hope.

But you call me one morning, wake me up from my forgotten dream and give me a reality check. Yes, you can do as you please. When time comes, so can I.

The Them

I am so disgusted with them that unless I vent out my bottled up anger, I won’t be at peace.

I am an idiot for enduring this for more than a year now.

A very naive scientist once wanted to publish his research work in one of the scientific journals.He e-mailed one of  “the them”:

“It would be a pleasure to get my article published in your invaluable journal”, he wrote.
“Hey look what this guy has written”, she said to me.
I read, smiled and said, “congratulations!”
“Ahh…can’t you see, he has written invaluable journal and yet he wants to submit his article!”

Bummer

This situation repeated itself twice and both the times “the them” was a manager.

Double bummer.

I am so angry at myself for not leaving this job much earlier that I feel like picking up the TV and thrashing it on the floor.I am so in destruction mode right now (reminds me of goddess Kali) that I can destroy everything in my apartment. Putting up a smiling face and talking to “the them” even when I don’t want to, but I have to, makes it even worse. Slightest of interaction with “the them” makes it clear that this is not my place. This is not where I am supposed to be. This is not what I deserve. I deserve much better.

I really want to backlash out at “the them” one day, but I realize, that would be too childish, too immature, too predictable. I am not predictable. I won’t let them predict my actions.

God! I just need the strength of few more days to bear with “the them”.

Its a wonder how you plan your future in a certain way and then you land yourself in an alien place, surrounded with aliens (while the aliens also think of you as an alien!) and interact with each other in language unknown. You look at their ugly faces, as they look at your ugly face, listen to their jokes and wonder which part exactly was the funny part, listen to an alien “fashionista” criticize your sense of style (how dare “the them”) and on top of it “the them” take it for granted that you are a “fool alien” and you do not understand their cruel intentions.

I am done with this.

I will work so hard this year that I will remove “the them” off my life.

They can go kiss each other’s asses.

 

 

Going Nowehere

Last one week and this week has been quite emotionally tiring. No one can escape from reality. We all have to face it. We may hide from it for a while, but unless we face the challenges, small or big, tiring or exciting, we never overcome these temporary challenges.

I can’t seem to overcome this dark shadow of feeling so helpless and feeling so downtrodden, as if I have lost all. I have lost myself in this whirlpool of different emotions. Once I went to an art exhibition when I was in middle school with my father. The artist painted emotions! Yes. He painted anger, love, hate, happiness… One thing I took from there is the circular-rough pattern of these painted emotions! Now when I feel too low, I feel a chunk of mixed emotions on my chest and it moves in circular motion.

I wish I could just lie down on my bed in the comfort of a warm blanket and watch TV all day long. I wish I had the privilege of not talking to anyone for at least a day. I don’t want to talk to myself too. I want the merry-go-round to stop. I wish I could eat whatever I wanted without having to worry about putting on more weight.

We scurry like little mice, in search of food, in search of a faithful partner, in search of happiness but where do we actually go? Nowhere. We fall into the same patterns of our behavior, same situations but different people and place, same emotions, same troubles, same thoughts, same boredom of familiarity, same excitement and same resentment.

I think we are jokers to our audience and the show is for free.

I want to go back to the sunflower field, that I passed everyday on my way to and from school. I want to sit there and see the sunflowers move their heads as the sun moved from east to west. I want a Spotless Mind. I want to finish writing a simple essay on COW, that my mom would dictate and as soon as I finish, I want to rush out to the garden and play with my dog and my imaginary friends.  Climb up on a tree and sit there with my long lost childhood friend, rescue kittens and puppies from the street and bring home to keep them, only to return them back to the place from where we rescued them, run and fall, fight and not talk and become friends again. How easy was it to be friends again in childhood. How easy was it to forgive and be forgiven.

Scurry mice scurry, there is no time for all this non-sense, your audiences are waiting!

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Unanswered

Cello-piano
Or
Electric guitar-double bass drum

High of the weed
Or
Low after you are gone
Your afterglow

The cold breeze
Or
Hot summer sun
Burning my skin

The faraway land
Or
This crowded city
Which you left a little while ago

Nowhere
Nothing
Would ever
Leave me wondering
Why? Why now?
What happened?

As your purple anger
Silent and waiting
To release the demons
Of your unleashed tongue

And when everything calms down
Our graves would open
Hissing our names
Come 

Why? What happened to us?
What happened to us…

 

 

Void

Don’t exactly know which way this will go
Six months?
Maybe yes, maybe no.

I have been dreaming for so long
Its tough to tell which is real
The dream or the hatred.

I miss home, its far away from here
Like you and me;
Our distance growing further.

I am no more the charisma
And I am lost
“What have I done?”

A hideous crime
I have bludgeoned myself
And killed your time.

If I had a time machine
I would save you all the pain
Of knowing me.

Beyond the horizon
I want to disappear
Then why is it so tough to do so, now?

Don’t exactly know which way this will go
Six months?
Maybe yes, maybe no.

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A Sunday Well Spent

I am feeling more optimistic and positive these days. The Silent Guy has a big part in it. 

In January I joined a NGO for volunteering in its various projects. Today the NGO organized a big event, around 3000 school students came from various parts of the state and took part in various competitions such as clay modelling, drawing, dancing, singing, Rangoli, sports, Just A Minute, Mad Ad etc.

I reached at 8 am sharp and I was astounded to see so many participants and volunteers. I was assigned the job of guiding the students and teachers to find their way into the various halls where a particular event took place. Later when all settled down, I went to supervise the clay modelling competition along with 3 other volunteers. It was really fun to see them model clay into something really meaningful..err..sometimes not really. But it was fun. I made some new friends and I think I will soon take on the responsibility of coordinating a monthly event of feeding the poor in my area.

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IMG_20160207_095301967Ha ha…Doraemon!
IMG_20160207_111120016Rangoli
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The clean water guys

Just as I was taking the photographs, I saw the small yellow grass flowers. I missed them for so long! Ya, you heard me right. They are linked to my childhood. The house that I have talked about had so many of these yellow flowers and I remember sitting down on the ground, looking at these flowers and wondering why they were so small. A blue version of these flowers is also found. Anyway, I quickly took a snap, who knows when I might see them again.

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