Passive Aggressive

I am feeling restless. In my bed, alone. Checking my phone.
If I was addicted to this device
Why would the other notifications be so annoying?

But you seem to be busy
It will be a little difficult tonight
You said and I said that’s alright
We need some space too.

Just FYI, I finished work soon
So that we can hangout
Talk nonsense and laugh
And fight

Hey, you make me a little confused
Put me in doubt
So, I take one step back
And you take one step forward

Towards her.

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To See You Off

Thinking about the last time we met.
You left in such a hurry.

The cab driver took a wrong turn, which made you late for the flight. You were quite mad at him and you started giving him directions in your deep voice that became deeper since you were angry. Finally, when we reached you rushed towards the gate and I don’t quite remember if we hugged. I looked at you but did not see you reflect back. So I let go of you. And smiled, my heart pounding, eyes slowly welling up. And then, you turned away and started walking. I stood there thinking..

Maybe this is the last time
Or maybe I will receive you here again
Hey! Turn back, smile and wave
What’s the rush?
Don’t you miss me already?

And then you disappeared. I stood there a little longer trying to catch a glimpse of you. But I couldn’t see you anymore so I walked towards the bus station and took a bus. My heart felt empty. I felt angry and a little disappointed.

Why wouldn’t you want to spend some more time with me?
4 out of 365 days is good enough for you?
Not for me
Not for me.

A major red flag. That day was probably the day when I truly felt sad, unloved, and trivial. We were so many time zones apart and you should have taken me to a trip or stayed with me for a few more days. That would have meant a lot. But the queen of your heart commanded you to come back home and you had to obey the command. That day I got a glimpse of my future, but I did not want to see it then.

I don’t know what I feel now
Love or hate or both
But that was indeed the last time I ever saw you
Wish you had taken your leave more amicably
A hug, a quick peck, turn back, smile and wave
Because nothing is certain.

Look where we are now.
Time zones apart
Living different lives
And probably I want it to stay that way
Because if I am not the queen of your heart
I don’t want anything.

Make Your Peace

My head hurts. The alcohol, it was too much.
My room smells of the cigarette I like but I hate it. Still I do it.
It’s been raining here and I don’t really like the way the roads become during the rains. It’s romantic for those in love.

How have you been darling? How’s the weather?
Is it raining in California?
Did you take the trip you wanted to?
Do I come and go in your dreams?
Or have you made your peace?

The guys I meet are nice.
Good dinner and a few drinks, sometimes we bond over a song long forgotten.
It’s such a high…
But as the dawn breaks
All I see is your face.

This world of no attachment is beyond my comprehension but that’s the trend.
At least that’s what I hear.
It’s the opposite of what I want
But it’s true, who can guarantee the future?

I am here with my dreams thrown in the trash.
But I am OK. I am trying my best.
I am sure it must be tough for you too.

I hope you are fine darling. I hope you find someone you can stand up for.
Take her to trips that we planned.
Give her the love that you are capable of.
After all, love is so fleeting.

I’ll see you in my dreams
When time comes, I will bid my final goodbye.
I will make my peace.

A New Job

I joined a company as a content creator last month. It’s been busy since then. A lot has changed. New colleagues, new targets and new goals.

The other day I had a one on one session with the Editor and the CEO. Well, it’s  a start-up company, and the total strength if employees is about a 100. So, you can expect me talking to the CEO or people of that level often 😉 He asked me where do I see myself in 5 years… ahhh… I dread such questions (introduce yourself!). I quite confidently said, I want to get a MBA degree and start my own company. His next question was, how would the MBA  help me? Ummmm… and I said…well… I will know how I can manage a start-up business. Now, he narrowed his eye-brows and looked at me and asked, “Suppose you have all the money and all the time…would you still opt for MBA?”  hmmm… I guess he guessed why I wanted to do MBA. Yea.. get a huge salary and promotion!

At the end of the session, I came out of the meeting room very very confused but relieved. Confused because my short-term plan is now cancelled and relieved because, I am scared of mathematics as hell. One of my friends, who is a MBA, asked me to sleep on it and then think about it later. But then, as crazy and anxious as I am, I thought about it for the next two days. I planned out what I can do in the future and whether I should focus on what I am doing right now and how that will help me in the future. It seems, as per my goals, MBA would not help me. At least as of now.

I am shifting to a new and better place in the coming months. I have joined keyboards classes. I am learning to play snooker and foosball (in office) and I am on my way to become a certified nutritionist! What?!!!

The saddest part of so much happiness is that, I misunderstood my boyfriend’s depression as his ignorance towards me. He is such a confident and happy person. He goes to the gym, he plays cricket and tennis. He also goes on drives and goes swimming. He watches movies, goes to the mall. It is hard to notice or understand why such an active person would be depressed. Until, he opened up to me one day. It made me sadder that he couldn’t/ wouldn’t share things with me.

He needs a job change. I understand that. When I was in that sh**** job, I was as unhappy and frustrated as he is now. He is also home-sick and he has not been eating right. Anyway, I told him to see a doctor. If he was here with me, I would have gone with him.

Yesterday I was checking out videos on youtube  on how to help your near and dear ones with depression and suddenly it struck me that, I have to take a hold on this situation now. I have to help him out of this. I somehow feel that this is what I should do to fight my depression. I should help people with depression in some way or the other because I understand now how depression can be. When I was a depressed teenager, my parents thought that I was just being a moody teenager. But that was not that. I had no idea why I felt that way and I did not know how to express it.

I still feel that there is so much anger and so much tears held back in me. I almost feel choked whenever I talk about depression. Today, when my music teacher asked me why I am taking these classes, I really wanted to tell him that… I am just lost and I can’t find myself. Please help me. Instead I said, “to relax my mind” and smiled.

 

The Fanny Ardant in Me

I bumped into an article published in The Guardian and I fell in love with Fanny Ardant. I did not know her till today, I have not been fortunate enough to see any of her movies, I do not know anything about her success as a movie star, however, after reading the article, I recognized similar emotions in her, as me.

“I see things noir. I have a great black veil that falls over my head. I have never seen a psychoanalyst, though. I think if I did I would cry and cry a torrent of tears and never stop.”
“People say I am always exaggerating, but the only thing interesting in life is love. Whether we are happy or not, love is the essential. Everything else – money, power, glory – just fills the hole left by an absence of love.” 

Many times I have looked up psychiatrists online, but I never went ahead to get a “treatment”. It would be too embarrassing to cry and talk about all the secrets of my family and me, in front of a total stranger. Wouldn’t he/she judge me? Would she be able to understand what I am going through and would I be able to overcome my problems if I saw a psychiatrist? Is seeing a psychiatrist still a taboo here? What would I say? Will I be able to reveal why I couldn’t study and get a better score in high school ? Will I be able to tell what I saw as an infant?

So, I never went to see the psychiatrist. Like Fanny Ardant, I pretend. I think I would be an amazing actor! Though these days it has been tough pretending happy when I am not. All I want to do is sit in a dark sound-proof room and stare into the darkness. As if trying to find a little light. Would my mind stop talking then?

I like it or not, Love has always been the priority of my life. I think to spend time with the few people that matter the most, including yourself, is the best gift that one can give and get. Love, is what will make me stay. I often daydream about a full blown start-up business of my own. The power that money will bring me. The power to softly declare my win against the “friends” who think that I am a failure. The power to shut my relatives’ mouths. The power to employ and fire. The power to play with the bulls. I am sure all this will be more meaningful and fulfilling if I have my Love by my side. Without Love, I will not be truly happy. I don’t think I will ever be so successful without Love. Love makes me full on powerful and at times powerless. It builds me and destroys me. I know it is fleeting, but I have not given up on Love  yet.

I once wrote to my boyfriend in a dramatic way, after a bitter altercation, asking him to exchange souls for one day and see what my mind sees, what I feel when he behaves in a certain way and why I am so insecure. But if God really gave me that power, would I allow such pain to occur to him? He is innocent. He has not experienced what I did in a very early life. Would I spoil his innocence?
Never.