Something is bothering me. Maybe it’s me.
I don’t feel at rest/peace. I am always worrying or thinking about something or the other. From where do I get this too sensitive skin?! It’s not good. See…that’s where it starts. I keep analyzing everything. I am monitoring my every step and every attempt to achieve something and I am going round in circles, reaching nowhere. My mind has been talking too much lately. Even in a club, where the music is too loud, I am thinking of either office or how I can direct my career to a better path or my boyfriend or my new home or that I have to lose weight (while enjoying the potato wedges with mayonnaise and beer).
I sleep 7-8 hours a day. Which is medically enough for an adult person. But still I feel extremely tired and keep yawning the whole day at office. I sit in the office to work, resist my temptation to go play Foosball or pool to finish up my work, but I never do. I come home and finish my work. So, then I don’t get time to study for the nutrition course. Wow! I am brilliant at leading a stupid, lazy, unproductive and mundane life. Oh, no I do hang out with friends a lot, but I don’t truly hang out with them.
I am always with another me. My best friend and my best foe of all time.
Last week was my birthday and I did not buy myself anything. Got sloshed at a pub where the music sucked to the core. All that time that I was getting drunk, what I had on my mind was, whether I was drinking too much and whether I have enough money to pay for the bill 😀 I was somehow able to stop my mind from reminding me of my age. Thank God for that.
Why is everybody conspiring against me? Why do they take away my productivity?
I don’t think that’s normal to think but when I have nothing else to think or when I am happy that everything is going fine, I cannot help but think negative about everything. I am angry all the time. I am so angry at everyone. A small deviation from the normal and it will get my head heated so quickly and so bad that I burn myself down in that flame. Yet I have to put up a smiling face and be nice to people who I don’t want to even see. How to master the “block out” mechanism?
Hmm…looks like I know the problem and the solution but I have no idea why I don’t do it. Do I get some kind of high from it? Then why do I feel low?