To See You Off

Thinking about the last time we met.
You left in such a hurry.

The cab driver took a wrong turn, which made you late for the flight. You were quite mad at him and you started giving him directions in your deep voice that became deeper since you were angry. Finally, when we reached you rushed towards the gate and I don’t quite remember if we hugged. I looked at you but did not see you reflect back. So I let go of you. And smiled, my heart pounding, eyes slowly welling up. And then, you turned away and started walking. I stood there thinking..

Maybe this is the last time
Or maybe I will receive you here again
Hey! Turn back, smile and wave
What’s the rush?
Don’t you miss me already?

And then you disappeared. I stood there a little longer trying to catch a glimpse of you. But I couldn’t see you anymore so I walked towards the bus station and took a bus. My heart felt empty. I felt angry and a little disappointed.

Why wouldn’t you want to spend some more time with me?
4 out of 365 days is good enough for you?
Not for me
Not for me.

A major red flag. That day was probably the day when I truly felt sad, unloved, and trivial. We were so many time zones apart and you should have taken me to a trip or stayed with me for a few more days. That would have meant a lot. But the queen of your heart commanded you to come back home and you had to obey the command. That day I got a glimpse of my future, but I did not want to see it then.

I don’t know what I feel now
Love or hate or both
But that was indeed the last time I ever saw you
Wish you had taken your leave more amicably
A hug, a quick peck, turn back, smile and wave
Because nothing is certain.

Look where we are now.
Time zones apart
Living different lives
And probably I want it to stay that way
Because if I am not the queen of your heart
I don’t want anything.

Make Your Peace

My head hurts. The alcohol, it was too much.
My room smells of the cigarette I like but I hate it. Still I do it.
It’s been raining here and I don’t really like the way the roads become during the rains. It’s romantic for those in love.

How have you been darling? How’s the weather?
Is it raining in California?
Did you take the trip you wanted to?
Do I come and go in your dreams?
Or have you made your peace?

The guys I meet are nice.
Good dinner and a few drinks, sometimes we bond over a song long forgotten.
It’s such a high…
But as the dawn breaks
All I see is your face.

This world of no attachment is beyond my comprehension but that’s the trend.
At least that’s what I hear.
It’s the opposite of what I want
But it’s true, who can guarantee the future?

I am here with my dreams thrown in the trash.
But I am OK. I am trying my best.
I am sure it must be tough for you too.

I hope you are fine darling. I hope you find someone you can stand up for.
Take her to trips that we planned.
Give her the love that you are capable of.
After all, love is so fleeting.

I’ll see you in my dreams
When time comes, I will bid my final goodbye.
I will make my peace.

Wish Them Luck

I walk the same roads. Go to the same food joints. Pass time in the same malls.
Where we once met or had a meal or two. Laughing, talking, looking at each other. Your skin, a little dry but no scars, full lips that you would press together as you checked your email or our next hangout destination.
Your hair, salt and pepper. Perfect eye brows. Our hands fit like gloves. Our feet took same steps. Sometimes me running behind you to catch the movie right from the beginning.
Walk tall, talk deep. My starry eyes gazing at you. Your fingers, when you hold the phone.
The time when I first saw you laugh. Your teeth, you know how I have a thing for teeth. And I was bowled over.
That table there, we sat there last time. Our favourite table. But today when I walked in alone, I couldn’t look at it. Tried hard not to look there. Sure I did.
Another ‘me and you’ sitting and having their meal, talking and laughing.
I wish them luck. At least, this time.

The Cage

Nothing ever felt so hollow

No sunrise, no sunset

Felt so meaningless

Before you left

 

They laugh, secretly

Happy because they were right

Nothing like proving me wrong

Just like the beautiful words

That was never meant to be a song

 

All I can remember is the last time

I saw you

Fading into the crowd

Who knew, you were never coming back

 

Is this really the last goodbye?

Like a desperate bird in the cage

Flapping my wings, agitated,

Confused…what got me here?

 

 

And once again

You are fading into the light

Where everything is clear and bright

To where I don’t have an entry pass

 

You don’t turn around

You just walk in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Life Now

Hi! thanks for stopping by.

It’s been a while since I posting anything in this blog. And a lot has happened. Good things 🙂

I started this blog because i was bored with my previous job. Now, that part has been taken care of. I have a better job now and I have learned so much.

Now, coming to the part where I would frequently slip into depression because all my friends were doing better than me and that I was having regular fights with my boyfriend, well, that part is kind of better now.

What i learned is that i cannot brood over what has not happened. But what I can do is, think and work hard on building a better future. I started working out and that changed many things. I have lost weight, I eat healthier now, and I don’t fight with my boyfriend so much. He also did his part by listening to what i was trying to tell him and by slowly understanding why i am so insecure. I have also started giving him a space and understanding when he needs his “me time” or “cricket time”.

I cannot say that i have made any good friends. People are mean and manipulative and I am a straight forward girl. I would better spend my day alone doing things that I love to do and improving my skills than being with people who keep judging you every second.

Even then, I feel much stronger now.

I am also learning to cook and have improved a lot 🙂 I will soon start a “stay fit” blog where i will help people to opt for a healthy lifestyle.

Oh, i also came across Prof. Carol Dweck’s speeches on YouTube. You should totally listen to her speak. She talks about how we can improve and achieve what we want to achieve. It’s really great. I am also thinking of buying her book, “Mindset”. Recently I read “the monk who sold his ferrari”… umm…well… honest personal opinion, I did not like it much. Maybe i should give it time to actually make any sense to me.

Anyway… have a great week! ttyl 🙂 take care.

Blank Walls

My bed on a side, a study table to my right

A mahogany book shelf, in it accolades, my pride

A series of black and white head-shots, how I changed

And a dressing table, a cupboard full of teenage make-up mind

Stickers everywhere,  the painter in me on every wall

Crafts and designed handkerchief, tucked in  a special box

Scented erasers, barbie’s dresses

Hidden personal diary, latest album cassettes

My den, my recovery room, decorated haphazard

But it was mine

 

No picture, no painting

No folly of my mind on these walls

What can you take away if I don’t give you anything?

Cooking To Stay Happy

Moved to a spacious new apartment that has a huge balcony with not-so-good view, but i enjoy the after-office evening tea in the balcony every weekdays. There is something very comforting about a cozy bean bag chair, hot tea, biscuit, and your favorite YouTube channel.

My flatmates are IT girls (no pun intended) and they come quite late from office, therefore, I get all the time to practice singing and playing the guitar. Also, by the time they come home, my hunger takes the shape of that of a dragon inside my stomach. So, I cook dinner before they come home. And I am getting really good at cooking (Indian cuisine). Which makes me think of starting a YouTube channel or an Instagram account on the everyday easy to cook recipes.

To be honest, cooking actually helps a lot with my depression. My mind gets diverted the moment I start chopping the veggies and start planning what else to put in to make it healthy and tasty. By the time I finish cooking and taste the food to check whether it tastes good, my mood is lifted up. Probably  the joy of being able to recreate my mom’s recipes or experimenting on a new recipe helps to secrete “feel-good” hormones.

I have also been reading a lot about nutrition and their benefits on human health. It’s a wonder how our food choices decide how well we will be physically and mentally.

Anyway, hope you are doing well and thank you for reading my post 🙂 means a lot to me.

TC!

It’s Complicated!

Something is bothering me. Maybe it’s me.

I don’t feel at rest/peace. I am always worrying or thinking about something or the other. From where do I get this too sensitive skin?! It’s not good. See…that’s where it starts. I keep analyzing everything. I am monitoring my every step and every attempt to achieve something and I am going round in circles, reaching nowhere. My mind has been talking too much lately. Even in a club, where the music is too loud, I am thinking of either office or how I can direct my career to a better path or my boyfriend or my new home or that I have to lose weight (while enjoying the potato wedges with mayonnaise and beer).

I sleep 7-8 hours a day. Which is medically enough for an adult person. But still I feel extremely tired and keep yawning the whole day at office. I sit in the office to work, resist my temptation to go play Foosball or pool to finish up my work, but I never do. I come home and finish my work. So, then I don’t get time to study for the nutrition course. Wow! I am brilliant at leading a stupid, lazy, unproductive and mundane life. Oh, no I do hang out with friends a lot, but I don’t truly hang out with them.

I am always with another me. My best friend and my best foe of all time.

Last week was my birthday and I did not buy myself anything. Got sloshed at a pub where the music sucked to the core. All that time that I was getting drunk, what I had on my mind was, whether I was drinking too much and whether I have enough money to pay for the bill 😀 I was somehow able to stop my mind from reminding me of my age. Thank God for that.

Why is everybody conspiring against me? Why do they take away my productivity?

I don’t think that’s normal to think but when I have nothing else to think or when I am happy that everything is going fine, I cannot help but think negative about everything. I am angry all the time. I am so angry at everyone. A small deviation from the normal and it will get my head heated so quickly and so bad that I burn myself down in that flame. Yet I have to put up a smiling face and be nice to people who I don’t want to even see. How to master the “block out” mechanism?

Hmm…looks like I know the problem and the solution but I have no idea why I don’t do it. Do I get some kind of high from it? Then why do I feel low?

Dude..it’s complicated.

 

Confession Of A Depressed Girl

Who is happy? Are you?

At this point of my life I don’t see anyone around me happy, needless to say that I top the “unhappy list.” Practically I should be very happy. I am getting a better pay, got a better job, learning a lot and I am confident now that I will make a mark in this world. But I am not happy.

Love hurts.

Why does love hurt so much? Why can’t I breath. Why can’t I concentrate. Why does my personal life have everything to do with me being truly happy? Why can’t I just be happy by buying something online or from the mall. Why do I keep thinking whether I will ever find someone to truly love, who would love me back.

I don’t feel loved. Makes it tough for me to love.For how long can you be persistent?

I hate this ‘me’. I know how much I resist change. I don’t want to change myself. But change is needed for survival. Remember? Survival of the fittest? If I don’t change, if I don’t become the “ice-queen” (exaggerated) I won’t win the lands.

What if I had nothing to lose?

I have tried the “sane way”; to accept that I am very emotional and I will remain this way forever.But the “sane way” is not serving the purpose. I am going more and more into the shit-hole, hopeless that I will ever be able to walk away. Even if I don’t physically walk away, I should be able to do that mentally. Do you have any idea how powerful your mind is? It can create heaven. It can wreck havoc. Don’t let your mind wreck havoc on you. Let others see you as the calm soul, the ordinary person. But one power that your mind has is to wreck havoc on others’ minds. Sounds criminal. But when you are in so much pain that you cannot talk  but type your feelings out, I guess these thoughts can give a certain sense of victory in your imagination. For few minutes if that brings happiness, why not?

You may hate me for this. But I am tired of pleasing others. I don’t want to impress anybody.

I know I am depressed, but I don’t want to be here all my life. I have often heard people say, “don’t expect too much.” Why not? If I think that I am worth it, why would I not expect? If I expect nothing more than fidelity from my boyfriend, am I expecting too much? If I want my mom to cook a simple dinner for me (common in Indian families), am I expecting too much? If I want my friend to understand that I need to talk about a certain problem, am I expecting too much? Good thing, friends seldom disappoint.

We, the depressed, value this life. We value time (though we spend it mostly being depressed). We value people who mean a lot to us. We give our best to them. We give everything that we can to make them happy, see them smile, protect them from getting hurt and in return we expect nothing but truthfulness. We expect our best friends to keep the secret a secret. We expect simple joys of life such as holding hands or taking good care of each other. We expect that we would be as successful in reality as we are in our minds. For us, life is too short and we have so much to achieve; love, career, money, peace. All of these are tough to get and failure sends us to the shit-hole. Our minds start running in every direction possible and it gets so over worked that we feel tired physically. So, we sleep. Dreams are the only place where everything is perfect.

Escapist!

A New Job

I joined a company as a content creator last month. It’s been busy since then. A lot has changed. New colleagues, new targets and new goals.

The other day I had a one on one session with the Editor and the CEO. Well, it’s  a start-up company, and the total strength if employees is about a 100. So, you can expect me talking to the CEO or people of that level often 😉 He asked me where do I see myself in 5 years… ahhh… I dread such questions (introduce yourself!). I quite confidently said, I want to get a MBA degree and start my own company. His next question was, how would the MBA  help me? Ummmm… and I said…well… I will know how I can manage a start-up business. Now, he narrowed his eye-brows and looked at me and asked, “Suppose you have all the money and all the time…would you still opt for MBA?”  hmmm… I guess he guessed why I wanted to do MBA. Yea.. get a huge salary and promotion!

At the end of the session, I came out of the meeting room very very confused but relieved. Confused because my short-term plan is now cancelled and relieved because, I am scared of mathematics as hell. One of my friends, who is a MBA, asked me to sleep on it and then think about it later. But then, as crazy and anxious as I am, I thought about it for the next two days. I planned out what I can do in the future and whether I should focus on what I am doing right now and how that will help me in the future. It seems, as per my goals, MBA would not help me. At least as of now.

I am shifting to a new and better place in the coming months. I have joined keyboards classes. I am learning to play snooker and foosball (in office) and I am on my way to become a certified nutritionist! What?!!!

The saddest part of so much happiness is that, I misunderstood my boyfriend’s depression as his ignorance towards me. He is such a confident and happy person. He goes to the gym, he plays cricket and tennis. He also goes on drives and goes swimming. He watches movies, goes to the mall. It is hard to notice or understand why such an active person would be depressed. Until, he opened up to me one day. It made me sadder that he couldn’t/ wouldn’t share things with me.

He needs a job change. I understand that. When I was in that sh**** job, I was as unhappy and frustrated as he is now. He is also home-sick and he has not been eating right. Anyway, I told him to see a doctor. If he was here with me, I would have gone with him.

Yesterday I was checking out videos on youtube  on how to help your near and dear ones with depression and suddenly it struck me that, I have to take a hold on this situation now. I have to help him out of this. I somehow feel that this is what I should do to fight my depression. I should help people with depression in some way or the other because I understand now how depression can be. When I was a depressed teenager, my parents thought that I was just being a moody teenager. But that was not that. I had no idea why I felt that way and I did not know how to express it.

I still feel that there is so much anger and so much tears held back in me. I almost feel choked whenever I talk about depression. Today, when my music teacher asked me why I am taking these classes, I really wanted to tell him that… I am just lost and I can’t find myself. Please help me. Instead I said, “to relax my mind” and smiled.