Two Steps Forward, 4 Steps You Slip Down

Its me. My temper. It is also the boredom of familiarity.

Or maybe, none of the above. He just wants out.

One mistake and all is gone. Would somebody be patient with me? Would somebody not give up on me?

When will I be mature enough to love myself only and not take things seriously with anyone else? Its only a dream that, that day will come. It never does.

So, till then it will be the same.

Take two steps forward and then slip down the abyss of dark loneliness.

You are not acceptable as you are. You need to change.

Will I ever? For my own good?

Presence

Who are we? Who am I?

Am I just the girl who works 9 hours a day, looks good, eats and sleeps? The ordinary girl? Yes very much I am.

I was just thinking about how vulnerable and fragile I feel sometimes. I am not confident and feel that in this life time, it will not be possible for me to rise up again. Love, ya, love is what I search more than success or money. So, here is where I am going wrong, you would say that to me. You would give me examples or women who made it to the top because they knew that no man can make them successful. They knew/know that the only key to happiness and success is to concentrate on themselves. All that I know. I also know how to take care of myself. I know how to have fun and be fearless.

Is searching for love or to be in love a crime? Or is expecting to be loved back a crime? How can you not expect to be loved back? Why do mothers love their children unconditionally? Why don’t I ever feel like my mom doesn’t love me enough? I know that she does and there can be no question about it.

Needy, greedy, nerdy, “sad-y”, “bad-y” whatever whatever…you may call my type of women. I am paralyzed, mindless and thoughtless when I am needy. Expecting “too much” maybe. But for me, no. I am shouting, screaming on top of my voice, “hear me, look at me” Look at me before its too late.

Love me before I feel I am not loved anymore. Before I start thinking of an exit door.

Now, there’s a question in your head. Why don’t you go have fun and be fearless if yo know how to be that. What would fun mean if you were not there? Just the presence of you will do. In a room full of people, you may stand at the distant corner and talk to a few friends, occasionally look at me and then go back to the conversation with your friends. That will be good enough for me.

 

 

Happy Monday

Its festival time. You may know about Diwali. However, for people of Calcutta (now called Kolkata) Durga Puja is the biggest festival. For five straight days, its fun and frolic more than devotion 😉 Anyway, you can read about it somewhere else. My point is, today is Monday and I am not feeling the blues.

I have been working out daily and I am feeling more positive. Today, while I was taking bath, I had a slight urge to think about how things can go wrong, however, I quickly commanded myself not to think anything negative. “Things will fall into place” I told myself.

I have taken pictures this weekend. If possible I will put it up here soon. I met with a friend after a whole year. So yeah, I am feeling great about everything. And I know that when a person sets his/her mind to a achieve a goal, it is impossible to stop him/her.

I will travel and no f**** job can stop me. I will go see the world.

Only when my BF is too busy to give me attention I go blue and sad. He has that power to rule my heart/head. I am also starting to realize that we both need space. He should do few things alone. Have his time to think about things that is bothering him. I am too clingy and needy. I know that. I also know why I am like that. But that’s past. It is easier said/written than done, that I will stop being so needy and grumpy, but yea I will try.  But he should also understand that he just cannot forget me! and be tired always! 🙂

Anyway, I really want to learn about photography, about light and lenses. I want to capture beautiful moments or beauty of our surroundings. Maybe I will have to do some online reading.

Good Morning!

Feeling great today. Though I am stuck in the same job. I have ideas swarming into my head. And I am feeling quite enthusiastic.

Something happened yesterday. I was reading a blog  and I commented, as I really liked the blog. Since it was a bad day, I opened up and wrote, “I too wanted to be somebody…” and the really kind blogger wrote back. ” Negative thought doesn’t help. Be what you want to be.”

My boyfriend will soon leave the country and other work problems, recently made me very irritable and sad. I became an old grumpy woman. But last night when I read those words, something inside me rebuked me. Yeah dude! what the hell are you doing sitting there and just thinking about how boring and how stupid you are! You have to do something about it. No one can help.

If I want to travel, I will travel and no one can stop me. 🙂

Its better to keep short term goals in order to accomplish my long term happiness! or future happiness.

So, I am planning for the coming  1 year.

  1. Buy a scooty
  2. Change apartment
  3. Change job
  4. Get an admission offer from the best B-school in the country
  5. Go for a long trek or hike
  6. Learn a thing or two in Photography
  7. Lose weight! This should be no. 1 priority!
  8. CHANGE THIS F***** JOB
  9. Get a pet (a dog)

So here is a picture I drew long time back when I was bored in office.

Untitled

If anybody is reading me, please write back if you are going through or went through the same rough patch.

Day Two/ Today

Last night I couldn’t sleep properly. I am not sleepy now. I am cringing and clenching every minute and every second. What a waste of time and energy.

Few downs in life make you so frustrated that you want to break out of it, show your middle finger to those who thought you could never do it and move higher. At least be a better paid person! 10 years ago, I never thought I would write this. 10 years from now, I will remember these days as the worst days of my life (only in professional front).

Every morning to think of the fact that I have to get back to this cubicle, kills the excitement of a new day. Its tough getting out of bed. Weekends? We only get Sundays holiday. So that doesn’t count. upside down

That’s my life.

Upside Down!