Radio Silence

Changing stations

Finding the right tune, the right vibe.

And when we finally find, we take a drive

Start with a love song, move to anger and depression

Then when all’s said and done

We go on radio silence.

Read the letters that bleed guilt

The phone fights, wasting time

My issues pop up and you call me mad

You take revenge; so you dig two graves

One for my soul and another for hope

I am screaming, begging for your warmth

But you sit like a cold, silent rock.

When you do speak

Your word’s sharper than a sword

A thin string doesn’t stand a chance.3

When I look back now, I realize

That your new muse spoke the truth

I did not know you at all

I never paid attention

So I go under a table

Hug and cry myself to sleep

Time never turns

The damage is done

I have run out of patience

So, Here’s your gift….

Radio silence.

Almost A Year Now…

If someone told me last year this time that I was going to be sitting exactly where I was.. I wouldn’t believe it.

Cloud 9? A 10 or a 100 may be. I was getting married to the guy I loved and stayed loyal to for 4 years. 4 years of my crucial time. I was getting married in the hope to find happily ever after. I was so prepared for the domestic life and a freelancing career. I started to like babies. I still do.

That’s a pain I live with now. I am biologically and mentally prepared to mother a child. But, society doesn’t allow it freely yet. Moreover, I am not financially so well-to-do yet. Also… will I be a good mother? Or will I be like mine?

I know.. it’s 2020 and I should have moved on by now. But moving on is not just about finding the next good thing and finding happiness again. It’s about being OK looking back at the wasted time and how much invested you were in that relationship. Forgetting and forgiving.

But I am not OK looking back with my eyes open this time. About the times when there was a clear indication of a want to break up and I didn’t see it. The time when it was my birthday and he broke up with me. I was alone in the balcony at 12 in the night thinking, “it’s my birthday..and he broke up with me?! NO, he can’t do that!” And I rang him back again.

He might have been a nice guy to others. But was he really nice to me? There were patterns of behavior that I was totally blind to. What about the times when he thought I was less of him because I had a lesser pay? Or the fact that he likes fair girls and I am dusky? Or that I have acne marks and freckles while he likes white, porcelain skin? Why were these not indication enough that I was not his type? And that the moment he found someone that fills those blanks, he would get up and run?

Yes, I blame myself. But why do guys want to be remembered as “nice” when they could do us the favor of not wasting our time?

It’s 2020. And my brain has processed the fact that fair skin and dollar bills can win anything over. My brain has processed that I probably never knew him well. I am fully aware that I have issues. But who doesn’t? I acknowledge that I have been too blind in love. I regret my silly moves when all he did was manipulate me.

But my heart needs more time to heal. I cannot deal with emotional baggage. I just cannot be a shoulder to cry on. I dont want to be on the good books. I dont want to be your bestie. I cannot waste time thinking, “well..maybe.. let’s try..” I don’t want to feel insecure. I definitely don’t want to settle down for the next best thing.

I have plans. And, for the first time I dont want anyone’s opinion if my plan is a good one. If this sparks joy in me.. of independence, of being capable of standing alone, of not having to get emotionally drained and seeking attention… I think I am in the best phase of my life.