Confession Of A Depressed Girl

Who is happy? Are you?

At this point of my life I don’t see anyone around me happy, needless to say that I top the “unhappy list.” Practically I should be very happy. I am getting a better pay, got a better job, learning a lot and I am confident now that I will make a mark in this world. But I am not happy.

Love hurts.

Why does love hurt so much? Why can’t I breath. Why can’t I concentrate. Why does my personal life have everything to do with me being truly happy? Why can’t I just be happy by buying something online or from the mall. Why do I keep thinking whether I will ever find someone to truly love, who would love me back.

I don’t feel loved. Makes it tough for me to love.For how long can you be persistent?

I hate this ‘me’. I know how much I resist change. I don’t want to change myself. But change is needed for survival. Remember? Survival of the fittest? If I don’t change, if I don’t become the “ice-queen” (exaggerated) I won’t win the lands.

What if I had nothing to lose?

I have tried the “sane way”; to accept that I am very emotional and I will remain this way forever.But the “sane way” is not serving the purpose. I am going more and more into the shit-hole, hopeless that I will ever be able to walk away. Even if I don’t physically walk away, I should be able to do that mentally. Do you have any idea how powerful your mind is? It can create heaven. It can wreck havoc. Don’t let your mind wreck havoc on you. Let others see you as the calm soul, the ordinary person. But one power that your mind has is to wreck havoc on others’ minds. Sounds criminal. But when you are in so much pain that you cannot talk  but type your feelings out, I guess these thoughts can give a certain sense of victory in your imagination. For few minutes if that brings happiness, why not?

You may hate me for this. But I am tired of pleasing others. I don’t want to impress anybody.

I know I am depressed, but I don’t want to be here all my life. I have often heard people say, “don’t expect too much.” Why not? If I think that I am worth it, why would I not expect? If I expect nothing more than fidelity from my boyfriend, am I expecting too much? If I want my mom to cook a simple dinner for me (common in Indian families), am I expecting too much? If I want my friend to understand that I need to talk about a certain problem, am I expecting too much? Good thing, friends seldom disappoint.

We, the depressed, value this life. We value time (though we spend it mostly being depressed). We value people who mean a lot to us. We give our best to them. We give everything that we can to make them happy, see them smile, protect them from getting hurt and in return we expect nothing but truthfulness. We expect our best friends to keep the secret a secret. We expect simple joys of life such as holding hands or taking good care of each other. We expect that we would be as successful in reality as we are in our minds. For us, life is too short and we have so much to achieve; love, career, money, peace. All of these are tough to get and failure sends us to the shit-hole. Our minds start running in every direction possible and it gets so over worked that we feel tired physically. So, we sleep. Dreams are the only place where everything is perfect.

Escapist!

A New Job

I joined a company as a content creator last month. It’s been busy since then. A lot has changed. New colleagues, new targets and new goals.

The other day I had a one on one session with the Editor and the CEO. Well, it’s  a start-up company, and the total strength if employees is about a 100. So, you can expect me talking to the CEO or people of that level often 😉 He asked me where do I see myself in 5 years… ahhh… I dread such questions (introduce yourself!). I quite confidently said, I want to get a MBA degree and start my own company. His next question was, how would the MBA  help me? Ummmm… and I said…well… I will know how I can manage a start-up business. Now, he narrowed his eye-brows and looked at me and asked, “Suppose you have all the money and all the time…would you still opt for MBA?”  hmmm… I guess he guessed why I wanted to do MBA. Yea.. get a huge salary and promotion!

At the end of the session, I came out of the meeting room very very confused but relieved. Confused because my short-term plan is now cancelled and relieved because, I am scared of mathematics as hell. One of my friends, who is a MBA, asked me to sleep on it and then think about it later. But then, as crazy and anxious as I am, I thought about it for the next two days. I planned out what I can do in the future and whether I should focus on what I am doing right now and how that will help me in the future. It seems, as per my goals, MBA would not help me. At least as of now.

I am shifting to a new and better place in the coming months. I have joined keyboards classes. I am learning to play snooker and foosball (in office) and I am on my way to become a certified nutritionist! What?!!!

The saddest part of so much happiness is that, I misunderstood my boyfriend’s depression as his ignorance towards me. He is such a confident and happy person. He goes to the gym, he plays cricket and tennis. He also goes on drives and goes swimming. He watches movies, goes to the mall. It is hard to notice or understand why such an active person would be depressed. Until, he opened up to me one day. It made me sadder that he couldn’t/ wouldn’t share things with me.

He needs a job change. I understand that. When I was in that sh**** job, I was as unhappy and frustrated as he is now. He is also home-sick and he has not been eating right. Anyway, I told him to see a doctor. If he was here with me, I would have gone with him.

Yesterday I was checking out videos on youtube  on how to help your near and dear ones with depression and suddenly it struck me that, I have to take a hold on this situation now. I have to help him out of this. I somehow feel that this is what I should do to fight my depression. I should help people with depression in some way or the other because I understand now how depression can be. When I was a depressed teenager, my parents thought that I was just being a moody teenager. But that was not that. I had no idea why I felt that way and I did not know how to express it.

I still feel that there is so much anger and so much tears held back in me. I almost feel choked whenever I talk about depression. Today, when my music teacher asked me why I am taking these classes, I really wanted to tell him that… I am just lost and I can’t find myself. Please help me. Instead I said, “to relax my mind” and smiled.