To See You Off

Thinking about the last time we met.
You left in such a hurry.

The cab driver took a wrong turn, which made you late for the flight. You were quite mad at him and you started giving him directions in your deep voice that became deeper since you were angry. Finally, when we reached you rushed towards the gate and I don’t quite remember if we hugged. I looked at you but did not see you reflect back. So I let go of you. And smiled, my heart pounding, eyes slowly welling up. And then, you turned away and started walking. I stood there thinking..

Maybe this is the last time
Or maybe I will receive you here again
Hey! Turn back, smile and wave
What’s the rush?
Don’t you miss me already?

And then you disappeared. I stood there a little longer trying to catch a glimpse of you. But I couldn’t see you anymore so I walked towards the bus station and took a bus. My heart felt empty. I felt angry and a little disappointed.

Why wouldn’t you want to spend some more time with me?
4 out of 365 days is good enough for you?
Not for me
Not for me.

A major red flag. That day was probably the day when I truly felt sad, unloved, and trivial. We were so many time zones apart and you should have taken me to a trip or stayed with me for a few more days. That would have meant a lot. But the queen of your heart commanded you to come back home and you had to obey the command. That day I got a glimpse of my future, but I did not want to see it then.

I don’t know what I feel now
Love or hate or both
But that was indeed the last time I ever saw you
Wish you had taken your leave more amicably
A hug, a quick peck, turn back, smile and wave
Because nothing is certain.

Look where we are now.
Time zones apart
Living different lives
And probably I want it to stay that way
Because if I am not the queen of your heart
I don’t want anything.

Make Your Peace

My head hurts. The alcohol, it was too much.
My room smells of the cigarette I like but I hate it. Still I do it.
It’s been raining here and I don’t really like the way the roads become during the rains. It’s romantic for those in love.

How have you been darling? How’s the weather?
Is it raining in California?
Did you take the trip you wanted to?
Do I come and go in your dreams?
Or have you made your peace?

The guys I meet are nice.
Good dinner and a few drinks, sometimes we bond over a song long forgotten.
It’s such a high…
But as the dawn breaks
All I see is your face.

This world of no attachment is beyond my comprehension but that’s the trend.
At least that’s what I hear.
It’s the opposite of what I want
But it’s true, who can guarantee the future?

I am here with my dreams thrown in the trash.
But I am OK. I am trying my best.
I am sure it must be tough for you too.

I hope you are fine darling. I hope you find someone you can stand up for.
Take her to trips that we planned.
Give her the love that you are capable of.
After all, love is so fleeting.

I’ll see you in my dreams
When time comes, I will bid my final goodbye.
I will make my peace.

Wish Them Luck

I walk the same roads. Go to the same food joints. Pass time in the same malls.
Where we once met or had a meal or two. Laughing, talking, looking at each other. Your skin, a little dry but no scars, full lips that you would press together as you checked your email or our next hangout destination.
Your hair, salt and pepper. Perfect eye brows. Our hands fit like gloves. Our feet took same steps. Sometimes me running behind you to catch the movie right from the beginning.
Walk tall, talk deep. My starry eyes gazing at you. Your fingers, when you hold the phone.
The time when I first saw you laugh. Your teeth, you know how I have a thing for teeth. And I was bowled over.
That table there, we sat there last time. Our favourite table. But today when I walked in alone, I couldn’t look at it. Tried hard not to look there. Sure I did.
Another ‘me and you’ sitting and having their meal, talking and laughing.
I wish them luck. At least, this time.

The Cage

Nothing ever felt so hollow

No sunrise, no sunset

Felt so meaningless

Before you left

 

They laugh, secretly

Happy because they were right

Nothing like proving me wrong

Just like the beautiful words

That was never meant to be a song

 

All I can remember is the last time

I saw you

Fading into the crowd

Who knew, you were never coming back

 

Is this really the last goodbye?

Like a desperate bird in the cage

Flapping my wings, agitated,

Confused…what got me here?

 

 

And once again

You are fading into the light

Where everything is clear and bright

To where I don’t have an entry pass

 

You don’t turn around

You just walk in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blank Walls

My bed on a side, a study table to my right

A mahogany book shelf, in it accolades, my pride

A series of black and white head-shots, how I changed

And a dressing table, a cupboard full of teenage make-up mind

Stickers everywhere,  the painter in me on every wall

Crafts and designed handkerchief, tucked in  a special box

Scented erasers, barbie’s dresses

Hidden personal diary, latest album cassettes

My den, my recovery room, decorated haphazard

But it was mine

 

No picture, no painting

No folly of my mind on these walls

What can you take away if I don’t give you anything?

A New Job

I joined a company as a content creator last month. It’s been busy since then. A lot has changed. New colleagues, new targets and new goals.

The other day I had a one on one session with the Editor and the CEO. Well, it’s  a start-up company, and the total strength if employees is about a 100. So, you can expect me talking to the CEO or people of that level often 😉 He asked me where do I see myself in 5 years… ahhh… I dread such questions (introduce yourself!). I quite confidently said, I want to get a MBA degree and start my own company. His next question was, how would the MBA  help me? Ummmm… and I said…well… I will know how I can manage a start-up business. Now, he narrowed his eye-brows and looked at me and asked, “Suppose you have all the money and all the time…would you still opt for MBA?”  hmmm… I guess he guessed why I wanted to do MBA. Yea.. get a huge salary and promotion!

At the end of the session, I came out of the meeting room very very confused but relieved. Confused because my short-term plan is now cancelled and relieved because, I am scared of mathematics as hell. One of my friends, who is a MBA, asked me to sleep on it and then think about it later. But then, as crazy and anxious as I am, I thought about it for the next two days. I planned out what I can do in the future and whether I should focus on what I am doing right now and how that will help me in the future. It seems, as per my goals, MBA would not help me. At least as of now.

I am shifting to a new and better place in the coming months. I have joined keyboards classes. I am learning to play snooker and foosball (in office) and I am on my way to become a certified nutritionist! What?!!!

The saddest part of so much happiness is that, I misunderstood my boyfriend’s depression as his ignorance towards me. He is such a confident and happy person. He goes to the gym, he plays cricket and tennis. He also goes on drives and goes swimming. He watches movies, goes to the mall. It is hard to notice or understand why such an active person would be depressed. Until, he opened up to me one day. It made me sadder that he couldn’t/ wouldn’t share things with me.

He needs a job change. I understand that. When I was in that sh**** job, I was as unhappy and frustrated as he is now. He is also home-sick and he has not been eating right. Anyway, I told him to see a doctor. If he was here with me, I would have gone with him.

Yesterday I was checking out videos on youtube  on how to help your near and dear ones with depression and suddenly it struck me that, I have to take a hold on this situation now. I have to help him out of this. I somehow feel that this is what I should do to fight my depression. I should help people with depression in some way or the other because I understand now how depression can be. When I was a depressed teenager, my parents thought that I was just being a moody teenager. But that was not that. I had no idea why I felt that way and I did not know how to express it.

I still feel that there is so much anger and so much tears held back in me. I almost feel choked whenever I talk about depression. Today, when my music teacher asked me why I am taking these classes, I really wanted to tell him that… I am just lost and I can’t find myself. Please help me. Instead I said, “to relax my mind” and smiled.

 

Home Alone

I walked the serpentine lane alone. I walked slower than usual. The trees and the buildings passed by, guys of all sort checked me out top to bottom as I walked past them, few cars lazily drove by but all I could hear was one voice.

Is it not true that we come in this world alone and we die alone? Then why are we so dependent on each other? Why do we need our parents, why do we need that one special person to spend the rest of our life? Why is love so important for me?

If you love someone, set him/her free. If he/she comes back, he/she is your true love. If not, it was never meant to happen. My father told me once.

Is it really about loving someone and setting someone else free? Or is it about setting yourself free? Free from not being wanted, free from not being loved, free from not being accepted, free from being a negative influence, free from being haunted by memories, free from expecting one phone call, free from secrets, free from apologies, free from confiding in each other, free from future plans, free from trying to be perfect… free from  me.

Every time I make up my mind to take the road less taken, I stop and see one path full of roses and thorns and the other quiet, calm, smooth but very lonely.

If I take the road less taken, I will set the caged bird free.

 

 

The Fanny Ardant in Me

I bumped into an article published in The Guardian and I fell in love with Fanny Ardant. I did not know her till today, I have not been fortunate enough to see any of her movies, I do not know anything about her success as a movie star, however, after reading the article, I recognized similar emotions in her, as me.

“I see things noir. I have a great black veil that falls over my head. I have never seen a psychoanalyst, though. I think if I did I would cry and cry a torrent of tears and never stop.”
“People say I am always exaggerating, but the only thing interesting in life is love. Whether we are happy or not, love is the essential. Everything else – money, power, glory – just fills the hole left by an absence of love.” 

Many times I have looked up psychiatrists online, but I never went ahead to get a “treatment”. It would be too embarrassing to cry and talk about all the secrets of my family and me, in front of a total stranger. Wouldn’t he/she judge me? Would she be able to understand what I am going through and would I be able to overcome my problems if I saw a psychiatrist? Is seeing a psychiatrist still a taboo here? What would I say? Will I be able to reveal why I couldn’t study and get a better score in high school ? Will I be able to tell what I saw as an infant?

So, I never went to see the psychiatrist. Like Fanny Ardant, I pretend. I think I would be an amazing actor! Though these days it has been tough pretending happy when I am not. All I want to do is sit in a dark sound-proof room and stare into the darkness. As if trying to find a little light. Would my mind stop talking then?

I like it or not, Love has always been the priority of my life. I think to spend time with the few people that matter the most, including yourself, is the best gift that one can give and get. Love, is what will make me stay. I often daydream about a full blown start-up business of my own. The power that money will bring me. The power to softly declare my win against the “friends” who think that I am a failure. The power to shut my relatives’ mouths. The power to employ and fire. The power to play with the bulls. I am sure all this will be more meaningful and fulfilling if I have my Love by my side. Without Love, I will not be truly happy. I don’t think I will ever be so successful without Love. Love makes me full on powerful and at times powerless. It builds me and destroys me. I know it is fleeting, but I have not given up on Love  yet.

I once wrote to my boyfriend in a dramatic way, after a bitter altercation, asking him to exchange souls for one day and see what my mind sees, what I feel when he behaves in a certain way and why I am so insecure. But if God really gave me that power, would I allow such pain to occur to him? He is innocent. He has not experienced what I did in a very early life. Would I spoil his innocence?
Never.

 

So Can I

How much is too much? Who set the boundary? No one. You are free. You can do as you may please. So can I. Would you judge me then? Yes it’s true, you are nothing like me. I can love like I will lose you. I can destroy like nothing could ever be built again. That’s why I love. This second, I don’t take it for granted.

Memories I made many, I have washed away many. Its a natural process that our brain does. It relieves us from any extra unnecessary information. I have sent down that path, many. Many, who created chaos in my head, who pained my heart. I forget. I walk ahead. That’s why I keep asking about the time that was spotless. To see if there is still hope.

But you call me one morning, wake me up from my forgotten dream and give me a reality check. Yes, you can do as you please. When time comes, so can I.

Scared Little, Determined More

I am dead scared of mathematics. I have been scared of it since I was in 3rd grade. Fortunately, when I was in 8th grade Mr. Srivastava took math class and he was the only one who knew how to teach students who were scared of math. He was the only one who never raised voice to scold the students, instead he smiled and explained again, more clearly and patiently. He was almost 70 years old but fit and still working. I guess more than 30 years of teaching students made him understand student’s psychology.
He had a soft corner for me. He told my mum once, in a parent-teacher’s meeting that I look like his granddaughter. He praised me for my determination to do well and for being sincere.
Last I saw him was when I went to his house to take his blessings before leaving home for studying in a prestigious University,1700 miles down south. How time flies!
All these years I have been studying Molecular biology and had been in no touch with mathematics. At least not much. Now that I have to take my career to a different level, I have to crack an exam which tests basic math skills. I took a mock test to find out where my skill level was and the result was dreadful. My confidence level dropped to negative 10.
But things have changed. I don’t have school exam, I have a boss who drives me nuts. I have colleagues who talk about office politics, secret affairs and daily soaps. This situation is more scary than mathematics! 😀
So, I got up one day, took time to understand “mixtures and solutions” lesson, saw some real good videos on YouTube and I took a mock test. Solved correctly 3 out of 4 hard level problems and that too in half the time of other student’s average time. Now it has become fun. Actually there are a lot of good people who have shared online the tricks for solving complex-looking-simple-math-problems in half the time. My heartfelt thanks to them.
Everyday in office I sulk and think about when I will go back and start studying 🙂 The more I practice the better I am becoming and I am loving this feeling. The more I go to office the more determined I am becoming to get a very good score. 
Lastly I would like to add, thank you for reading my posts. If you need any help with GMAT/GRE or if you wish to help me out in my near future goal, please comment or e-mail me (see contact).
I am happy to share a happy post with you all after a long long time. Stay blessed.
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