Scared Little, Determined More

I am dead scared of mathematics. I have been scared of it since I was in 3rd grade. Fortunately, when I was in 8th grade Mr. Srivastava took math class and he was the only one who knew how to teach students who were scared of math. He was the only one who never raised voice to scold the students, instead he smiled and explained again, more clearly and patiently. He was almost 70 years old but fit and still working. I guess more than 30 years of teaching students made him understand student’s psychology.
He had a soft corner for me. He told my mum once, in a parent-teacher’s meeting that I look like his granddaughter. He praised me for my determination to do well and for being sincere.
Last I saw him was when I went to his house to take his blessings before leaving home for studying in a prestigious University,1700 miles down south. How time flies!
All these years I have been studying Molecular biology and had been in no touch with mathematics. At least not much. Now that I have to take my career to a different level, I have to crack an exam which tests basic math skills. I took a mock test to find out where my skill level was and the result was dreadful. My confidence level dropped to negative 10.
But things have changed. I don’t have school exam, I have a boss who drives me nuts. I have colleagues who talk about office politics, secret affairs and daily soaps. This situation is more scary than mathematics! šŸ˜€
So, I got up one day, took time to understand “mixtures and solutions” lesson, saw some real good videos on YouTube and I took a mock test. Solved correctly 3 out of 4 hard level problems and that too in half the time of other student’s average time. Now it has become fun. Actually there are a lot of good people who have shared online the tricks for solving complex-looking-simple-math-problems in half the time. My heartfelt thanks to them.
Everyday in office I sulk and think about when I will go back and start studying šŸ™‚ The more I practice the better I am becoming and I am loving this feeling. The more I go to office the more determined I am becoming to get a very good score. 
Lastly I would like to add, thank you for reading my posts. If you need any help with GMAT/GRE or if you wish to help me out in my near future goal, please comment or e-mail me (see contact).
I am happy to share a happy post with you all after a long long time. Stay blessed.
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Somewhere But Nowhere

I don’t know what is it about you. How can someone else make my day or break my day, if I don’t allow it?

It has been a long long time, since I have felt that my emotions are not ruled by a second person. Why am I so sensitive? But I shudder to think what it would be if I Ā become like them. The world will call me insecure and stick other labels to my name and I will always be that girl who is not independent, who has a fickle mind and who’s day is made good or bad by someone else. Sometimes I think, maybe it is better to not give all the importance that I give to my few dearies.

But if I do that, IĀ will cease to exist.

Would they still like/love me then? Or would they be happy to see me, Cold?

Is this one of the faults of my star, that I draw people towards me like a magnet, but when they are near enough, I repel them like a pungent smell? Someone who better be forgotten than cherished?

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Practicing Mathematics and Thinking Food!

Hey everybody, thank you for taking a look at my blog. So, I have been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of mathematics this week. And guess what? I am still terrible in mathematics. So lets come to the thinking part.
I LOVE to eat. I am huge fan of Nigella Lawson and Jamie Oliver. Of course, I am a huge fan of my mum’s cooking too. It’s kind of strange, my mother cooks Bengali cuisine, while Nigella Lawson and Jamie Oliver cook/are experts in British cuisineĀ (or rather say any other cuisineĀ other than Bengali food). I might not be hundred percent accurate here (sorry). I have seen Gordon Ramsey cook the traditional Bengali Steamed Hilsa in Mustard sauce!

My mum has been collecting Bengali recipes for years now. These are the recipes that people have forgotten or haveĀ never heard of. Many people take pride in the history of their family Ā recipes and Bengalis are no exception. As my mum too, was a working woman, we mostly ate food that was easy to make. I am absolutely proud to say that even though she used to be extremely busy, she never askedĀ us to eat in the school canteen. She cooked for us everyday.
So, she has a fat diary, filled with Bengali food recipes and I am thinking of trying to cook them all, every weekend one by one and document it in a new blog. I agree, I am not an expert cook, but I am doing this because, my mum needs a nudge. I need to start, so that she gets inspired and then maybe she will take some interest and maybe put her magic masala into this journey.

I will go home this time and take all the help from mum and my sister, to make the first dish. I will also take all the help from you, to design my blog in the best possible way and hope I will keep you hooked šŸ™‚

Until, Next Time

I am afraid of the Next Time.
Next time, I will be not me.
Next Time, I won’t give my heart.
Next Time, I won’t say a word.
Next Time, you will never get to know Me.
Next Time, I will set my priorities right.
Next Time, I will be materialistic.
Next Time, only Gold and Diamonds will bring a smile.
Next Time, I won’t look up to you.
Next Time, I won’t be hurt.
Next Time, I will put onĀ a facade.
Next Time, you will not know what’s going on.
Next Time, my dreams will be my dreams.
Next Time, I will go wherever you want me to be.
Next Time, I will take my past seriously.
Next Time, I will be loyal, only to me.
I am afraid of Next Time.
How I might turn out to be.

Next time, I will not disturb your peace,
If we ever bump into each other, in this life time.

 

 

Uncontrollable Mind #2

It gets lonely sometimes. You feel nothing, no wind, no sound, as if you are in a vast land with no trees. You stand in vacuum. You have no one to talk to, you have no life, you have no hope. You just stare blank and you know that no miracle will happen, at least not any sooner.

How does it feel to fail again and again?Ā 

How does it feel to let people down again and again?

No one needs you. No one wants you because all you do is cause trouble.Ā 

I know you too, are trying to break the curse. Others seldom understand. Even if they do, they have run out of their patience. So, you sit like the thirsty crow. Distraught, yet looking at the sky and praying hard for that one drop of water that can save your life.

Hope.Ā 

When do you stop hoping? How many blows does it take to finally give up?

I hope I never give up…I hope he understands me…I hope he loves me…I hope I can become a better person…I hope I don’t fail again…

Can you smile when you don’t want to? Can you stay calmĀ when all you want to do is scream and make somebody listen to you.

Listen to you!? Why should they? Don’t waste my time!

Wise are the politicians. Wise are the manipulators.

Be like them.

How many blows?

Late, Better Than Never

All these days I have been reading all the posts on New Year; some like it, some don’t, new resolutions and new happiness. I was planning on writing my thoughts on New Year, but 1. had less time and 2. I can’t really understand whether I am happy or sad. Not sad, but I was not too excited. On New Year’s Eve, I kind of felt the rush, “time is running out and I need to do something now.” I watched a lot of TV, got drunk, partied with friends. Had a good time.

As I laid my head on my pillow, 2015’s flash backs started pouring in. I had a headacheĀ (already) and I WhatsApp’ed my ex-room mate. She was the best room mate I ever had. Apparently, when I was her room mate and when I was much younger than now, I told her something very bitter. She was hurt but she never told me. All these years we have kind of grown apart, she is in a different city and has a hectic job, still we talk to each other over phone once or twice a month. In one of these phone calls, in 2015, she revealed what I told her and I was shocked to learn that I could hurt her that bad. I also had no memory of the incident. I apologized quickly telling her that I did not intend to hurt her in any way.
Hi wassup??

Nothing much, what about you? Not partying?

Yeah, came home now. Hey, I just wanted you to know that I am really sorry for what I had said, please believe me, I never meant to hurt you.

he he..thats OK, I know you did not mean to hurt me. Don’t worry, we will go to New York together and have fun.

Yeah, I love New York, yellow cabs…

Yeah.. we sure will go šŸ™‚

I instantly knew why I liked my room mate so much. She is so forgiving and such a nice person. I am so glad I met her and for having her in my life.

In 2015, I met my boyfriend. I don’t want to brag, but since then if any positive changes have happened in my life, that’s because of him. I did not take my life/career/myself seriously before. We met on 2nd Jan 2015 and though we did not hit it off on the first date, eventually we became friends and started to confide in each other. We went for holidaying twice. We fought, we made up and we fought again. I somehow knew that I he is the best guy for me. No matter how much we fought, I never gave up on him. He has not given up on me.

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In 2015, I got my current job, and it sucks the blood out of me, making me a blood sucker in turn. I want to quit this job as soon as I get the best opportunity. I want to take time and go for the next job, as I do not wish to put myself into one more puddle again. Right now, I am focusing on what I can learn from this job, be that dealing with people to learning new stuff in my work.

In 2015, I started this blog, in office. I was so bored doing the same thing again and again, I had some free time and I decided to create an account and start blogging. I made new friends here. I read theirs posts daily and write my feelings. It is such a good platform to read and learn. Blogging has given my life a new dimension, something to look forward to. I am still learning to create a better Page and I make mistakes here and there, but that’s ok, I will learn eventually. I remember how I was confused about who I am. I think blogging is helping me find out who I am.

While all these thoughts came tumbling and rumbling, I fell asleep that night. I woke up in the morning of 1st Jan 2016 and my headache was gone and I decided to write my thoughts. But, I had other things to do.

Clean my room up. So I did.

Put a face pack. I did.

Have lunch and watch a little TV. I did and I dozed off.

Woke up after an hour and felt an inkling about taking my drawing books out and paint/draw. I did. I trying glass painting for the first time.

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By that time it was evening and I had my cup of tea and opened my laptop to start studying.

So, you see, I did a lot of things on that day šŸ˜› Maybe I needed some time to arrange my thoughts before I wrote anything down. I needed some quiet time,to listen to one voice at a time.

Thank you for reading this and for being a part of my life šŸ™‚ Ā Wish you have a wonderful year ahead.