Even In Pain, I Wish You The Best

14th Feb 2019 (one year ago) my phone chimed. “XYZ: HVD” I had saved my ex’s name as XYZ. But what was HVD?

I frantically picked up the phone and started typing. I was excited to hear from him but was not sure what HVD was. He saw the message but did not reply. And then after thinking for a few seconds I realized.. oh! It’s Valentine’s day today!

We had been fighting for the past few days. First, I stopped talking to him because he was not giving me enough time. Then he stopped talking because he couldn’t bear my attention demands anymore. I had scathed him with insults.

Today a “Happy Valentine’s day” message from a guy on a random dating app brought back memories. I had said “hey” to this guy last month.

To my ex, I had said “I love you” for 4 years.

As the traumatic memories filled my eyes and made my nose run like a baby’s first spoon of cerelac.. I could not decide if it is tragedy or comedy. And started smiling at my own erratic humor timing!

A Bollywood movie has a great dialogue, “we live once, we love once, we marry once.” Well, no. We don’t love or marry once. For sure we live once.

Demanding the best out of this one life is no crime. And he wanted what was best for him. Of course, it was painful for me. It still pains after a year. It will probably pain the next year too. But if we were not happy with each other, what was the point? At this point of my life, I wish him to have the best things and the best people in his life.

I wish so for myself too. How little time we have got in this space and dimension. Who knows who we lose how soon… but what we have got is ourselves, a little time, and the immense power to forgive and forget. Hope I will get there one day, with help of time, when I will not tear up anymore. Just smile.

Happy Valentine’s Day to me 🙂

Almost A Year Now…

If someone told me last year this time that I was going to be sitting exactly where I was.. I wouldn’t believe it.

Cloud 9? A 10 or a 100 may be. I was getting married to the guy I loved and stayed loyal to for 4 years. 4 years of my crucial time. I was getting married in the hope to find happily ever after. I was so prepared for the domestic life and a freelancing career. I started to like babies. I still do.

That’s a pain I live with now. I am biologically and mentally prepared to mother a child. But, society doesn’t allow it freely yet. Moreover, I am not financially so well-to-do yet. Also… will I be a good mother? Or will I be like mine?

I know.. it’s 2020 and I should have moved on by now. But moving on is not just about finding the next good thing and finding happiness again. It’s about being OK looking back at the wasted time and how much invested you were in that relationship. Forgetting and forgiving.

But I am not OK looking back with my eyes open this time. About the times when there was a clear indication of a want to break up and I didn’t see it. The time when it was my birthday and he broke up with me. I was alone in the balcony at 12 in the night thinking, “it’s my birthday..and he broke up with me?! NO, he can’t do that!” And I rang him back again.

He might have been a nice guy to others. But was he really nice to me? There were patterns of behavior that I was totally blind to. What about the times when he thought I was less of him because I had a lesser pay? Or the fact that he likes fair girls and I am dusky? Or that I have acne marks and freckles while he likes white, porcelain skin? Why were these not indication enough that I was not his type? And that the moment he found someone that fills those blanks, he would get up and run?

Yes, I blame myself. But why do guys want to be remembered as “nice” when they could do us the favor of not wasting our time?

It’s 2020. And my brain has processed the fact that fair skin and dollar bills can win anything over. My brain has processed that I probably never knew him well. I am fully aware that I have issues. But who doesn’t? I acknowledge that I have been too blind in love. I regret my silly moves when all he did was manipulate me.

But my heart needs more time to heal. I cannot deal with emotional baggage. I just cannot be a shoulder to cry on. I dont want to be on the good books. I dont want to be your bestie. I cannot waste time thinking, “well..maybe.. let’s try..” I don’t want to feel insecure. I definitely don’t want to settle down for the next best thing.

I have plans. And, for the first time I dont want anyone’s opinion if my plan is a good one. If this sparks joy in me.. of independence, of being capable of standing alone, of not having to get emotionally drained and seeking attention… I think I am in the best phase of my life.

8 Months And Counting

8 months and counting.

No calls, no nothing

No “sorry”, no “come back”

No missed calls, no cryptic messages

8 months and counting

I am still struggling

To fight back tears

Amidst a crowded street

Where we once treaded hand in hand.

8 months and counting

It doesn’t hurt much like before

Didn’t I know it all along

You were looking for an escape

Just as I was.

8 months and counting

I don’t think I have changed much

Gullible and fragile

I wear my heart on my sleeve

Easily get hurt

But I won’t stop looking.

8 months and counting

Who knew I’d still think of you sometimes

Cry in anger and despair

What have you done?

Why didn’t I hear you out?

Why didn’t I step back, turn, and leave, my dignity intact?

8 months

And I am waiting

For the day I stop counting.

The Most Important Thing I Forgot About

I was cooking in the kitchen today and suddenly a flashback occurred.

The day we had broken up he had called my mother.

The reason he called her was because I had called his female married friend. Or, maybe they were having an affair.

He had called my mother to trash talk her. Why? Because she is separated and according to him, she is nothing more than a “characterless woman” who brought up another “characterless woman”.

He shouted on the phone, “I will destroy your whole family, I will destroy your whole family”

Why?

Because I had called his married female friend. Friend? Really?

Why did he give me reasons to call her? Why did he stay aloof just after the wedding was fixed? Why would he not pick up my calls whenever he was with her? Why was he suddenly calling all my dreams and ambitions “hopeless”?

Somehow.. in all the trauma.. this event had totally skipped my mind. He dared to call up my mother in the intention of trash talking her. The embodiment of a “nice guy” wanted to wash out my whole family. Because, of course, we don’t deserve a place here.

I, the fool, forgot about it and had called him after a week to beg him to come back to me. The things we do to keep being harmful to ourselves!

Love? Is it?

I Cry. I Howl. But That’s OK

I have been feeling super energetic and productive these days. Something happend last week. I am not sure what but I knew I was ready to grieve, feel the pain, and move forward.

I cry every night. I howl and cry. But that feels good. I go back to those three weeks and relive the moments. No, I did not do anything wrong. If someone who says he loves you can be ignorant, disrespectful, and unloving.. then it is best to not get married to that person.

It is painful still. But I don’t go back questioning my decision. Or his. Yes, I have now learned to keep my ears and eyes open. The many times my ex told me that he wanted to breakup and I kept holding on to him.

I remember he broke up with me on my birthday once. He was out for dinner with a lady friend. And did not bother to tell me. He told me on the day I was going for an interview.

The insecure me had a problem with this and I picked up a fight. And that time too, he chose her over me.

What was I? Blind? Deaf? Idiot?

I should have left him that day. That would have been my gift. But I clung to him.

At the time, I was not earning much. I was very judgmental of myself and my confidence level was in minus. An ex-lecturer, an ex-topper, an ex-young readercher… was doing data entry job. Why? Because I wanted to live away from home, not ask for money from anyone, and figure out what other options were there apart from PhD.

I dated a few guys but did not click with any of them. I was also clueless about job options and career options. I was just in a place where I felt like I was dumb and I was not worth it.

So, when I found a good-looking IT guy, I thought, “wow! I am worth it. I have value! This guy likes me back!!”

And to keep feeling the serotonin rush, I kept being in a relationship that was probably over before it even began.

Honestly, now when I go out to have dinner with guys and if I feel anything that’s off, I shrug that guy off and move on. Because, now I have the confidence. I know I deserve better.

But I remember, I sat in the cinema hall when my ex and I were in the “getting to know each other phase” and he told me that he went for dinner with some one who, according to him, had a crush on him and he did not like her at all. At all.

I was offended. It felt wrong. So, you can go out on a date and blame it on the girl. And I, the fool, stopped meeting a friend who had a thing for me. And yet, I sat in the cinema hall with him and now I am here, venting away on wordpress!

Once when we were having a fight and I told him that it felt wrong that he went on a dinner date with her… he said, “we were not in a relationship that time ” this statement also felt wrong. Because we were seeing each other. He never told me that him and I were free to go on dates with other people. It was not mutually exclusive. Had I known that I would have met the guy who called me first right after finishing his B-scool and landing an awesome job.

Anyway.. all these thoughts keep coming. I cry. I feel like someone is thomping on my chest. That someone is wringing my heart. That I am such a fool. But I feel. I am not running away from it.

I let myself feel and that is slowly making me stronger. Maybe immune is the word. Immune from low energy and motivation.

Not sure yet if Acceptance is here yet. I am not rushing. I have taken 3 years to come out of a 6-month relationship.. and this was 4 years long. So, it will take some time. I am OK with it.

I am not looking for love now. I am not looking for a physical relationship either. I want to learn, learn, and learn. I want to make something meaningful out of myself.

Fingers crossed.