Confession Of A Depressed Girl

Who is happy? Are you?

At this point of my life I don’t see anyone around me happy, needless to say that I top the “unhappy list.” Practically I should be very happy. I am getting a better pay, got a better job, learning a lot and I am confident now that I will make a mark in this world. But I am not happy.

Love hurts.

Why does love hurt so much? Why can’t I breath. Why can’t I concentrate. Why does my personal life have everything to do with me being truly happy? Why can’t I just be happy by buying something online or from the mall. Why do I keep thinking whether I will ever find someone to truly love, who would love me back.

I don’t feel loved. Makes it tough for me to love.For how long can you be persistent?

I hate this ‘me’. I know how much I resist change. I don’t want to change myself. But change is needed for survival. Remember? Survival of the fittest? If I don’t change, if I don’t become the “ice-queen” (exaggerated) I won’t win the lands.

What if I had nothing to lose?

I have tried the “sane way”; to accept that I am very emotional and I will remain this way forever.But the “sane way” is not serving the purpose. I am going more and more into the shit-hole, hopeless that I will ever be able to walk away. Even if I don’t physically walk away, I should be able to do that mentally. Do you have any idea how powerful your mind is? It can create heaven. It can wreck havoc. Don’t let your mind wreck havoc on you. Let others see you as the calm soul, the ordinary person. But one power that your mind has is to wreck havoc on others’ minds. Sounds criminal. But when you are in so much pain that you cannot talk  but type your feelings out, I guess these thoughts can give a certain sense of victory in your imagination. For few minutes if that brings happiness, why not?

You may hate me for this. But I am tired of pleasing others. I don’t want to impress anybody.

I know I am depressed, but I don’t want to be here all my life. I have often heard people say, “don’t expect too much.” Why not? If I think that I am worth it, why would I not expect? If I expect nothing more than fidelity from my boyfriend, am I expecting too much? If I want my mom to cook a simple dinner for me (common in Indian families), am I expecting too much? If I want my friend to understand that I need to talk about a certain problem, am I expecting too much? Good thing, friends seldom disappoint.

We, the depressed, value this life. We value time (though we spend it mostly being depressed). We value people who mean a lot to us. We give our best to them. We give everything that we can to make them happy, see them smile, protect them from getting hurt and in return we expect nothing but truthfulness. We expect our best friends to keep the secret a secret. We expect simple joys of life such as holding hands or taking good care of each other. We expect that we would be as successful in reality as we are in our minds. For us, life is too short and we have so much to achieve; love, career, money, peace. All of these are tough to get and failure sends us to the shit-hole. Our minds start running in every direction possible and it gets so over worked that we feel tired physically. So, we sleep. Dreams are the only place where everything is perfect.

Escapist!

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