Closing Chapter

This is the final blog post here on officeboredomblog. My chapter of darkness and negativity has come to an end. Not because I have found what I am looking for. But I am ready to let this go.

I have hated. I have harbored negative emotions. I have struggled. I have cried. I have been miserable. And this blogging platform gave me the freedom to vent anonymously and talk about things that I would not otherwise.

This blog also helped me land a job that I am currently in. I have never ever looked back. I am doing good and have many opportunities knocking on my door. I am immensely thankful for that.

I started Officeboredomblog when I was in a crappy office that had zero work ethic or work culture and a crappier pay back in 2015. I used to feel so out of place, frustrated, and bored in office that one afternoon I opened Officeboredomblog to have something useful to do.

Writing my heart out helped me calm down and de-stress. To be able to do that without being scared of what people would say is a true bliss.

I have written unfiltered posts about my breakup and dark thoughts. I do not regret it. But it let me learn many important lessons. Especially, about myself.

Over the past year, I might not have changed much but there is a change in me for sure.

I am finally in the phase of Acceptance. My broken family, my broken soul, and my broken heart.

With acceptance, forgiveness came easily.

I have forgiven my ex for how things ended and the long list of wrongdoings. He had his limitations and he acted as any human would. My heart still aches but it does not get fogged by anger or resentment.

Memories

I have partially forgiven my parents for starting a family on the wrong note. I have forgiven my dad for being absent and being a “lady’s man”. And, my mother for not letting father bond with us, instilling trust issues, baseless fears of losing, being over-controlling, and not helping me when I first showed signs of depression when I was in 7th grade.

They both too had their limitations. Circumstances and situations were also not on their side. Or… on our side.

I am forgiving myself one day at a time. I have done many things I shouldn’t have. I have said harsh things to my mother to the point that she broke down in tears. I have been rude, inattentive, and ungrateful to my friends. I have been an utterly nightmarish girlfriend – possessive, controlling, insecure, slandering, apathetic, and zero trust.

I have accepted that I cannot do anything about my broken family or my rough early life. But what I make of my life from now on is in my hands.

Love sunsets. Gives me hope that the sun will rise again

Don’t get me wrong, I am no magician. The issues I have are serious. It is going to take years of conscious practice to break that colored glass through which I see the world. But at least I will try. I won’t give up on myself.

I too deserve the best of this one life I have. With or without a human companion.

On that note, I would like to say thank you for taking the time to read my post(s). Thank you Opal Flame for being a pen friend (it’s been a while).

Thank you my dear blog. It’s time to let go, move forward, start the next chapter of my life, and allow healing.

Yours,

Officeboredomblog

Need to switch on the lights in the other room!

Even In Pain, I Wish You The Best

14th Feb 2019 (one year ago) my phone chimed. “XYZ: HVD” I had saved my ex’s name as XYZ. But what was HVD?

I frantically picked up the phone and started typing. I was excited to hear from him but was not sure what HVD was. He saw the message but did not reply. And then after thinking for a few seconds I realized.. oh! It’s Valentine’s day today!

We had been fighting for the past few days. First, I stopped talking to him because he was not giving me enough time. Then he stopped talking because he couldn’t bear my attention demands anymore. I had scathed him with insults.

Today a “Happy Valentine’s day” message from a guy on a random dating app brought back memories. I had said “hey” to this guy last month.

To my ex, I had said “I love you” for 4 years.

As the traumatic memories filled my eyes and made my nose run like a baby’s first spoon of cerelac.. I could not decide if it is tragedy or comedy. And started smiling at my own erratic humor timing!

A Bollywood movie has a great dialogue, “we live once, we love once, we marry once.” Well, no. We don’t love or marry once. For sure we live once.

Demanding the best out of this one life is no crime. And he wanted what was best for him. Of course, it was painful for me. It still pains after a year. It will probably pain the next year too. But if we were not happy with each other, what was the point? At this point of my life, I wish him to have the best things and the best people in his life.

I wish so for myself too. How little time we have got in this space and dimension. Who knows who we lose how soon… but what we have got is ourselves, a little time, and the immense power to forgive and forget. Hope I will get there one day, with help of time, when I will not tear up anymore. Just smile.

Happy Valentine’s Day to me 🙂