The Cage

Nothing ever felt so hollow

No sunrise, no sunset

Felt so meaningless

Before you left

 

They laugh, secretly

Happy because they were right

Nothing like proving me wrong

Just like the beautiful words

That was never meant to be a song

 

All I can remember is the last time

I saw you

Fading into the crowd

Who knew, you were never coming back

 

Is this really the last goodbye?

Like a desperate bird in the cage

Flapping my wings, agitated,

Confused…what got me here?

 

 

And once again

You are fading into the light

Where everything is clear and bright

To where I don’t have an entry pass

 

You don’t turn around

You just walk in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Life Now

Hi! thanks for stopping by.

It’s been a while since I posting anything in this blog. And a lot has happened. Good things 🙂

I started this blog because i was bored with my previous job. Now, that part has been taken care of. I have a better job now and I have learned so much.

Now, coming to the part where I would frequently slip into depression because all my friends were doing better than me and that I was having regular fights with my boyfriend, well, that part is kind of better now.

What i learned is that i cannot brood over what has not happened. But what I can do is, think and work hard on building a better future. I started working out and that changed many things. I have lost weight, I eat healthier now, and I don’t fight with my boyfriend so much. He also did his part by listening to what i was trying to tell him and by slowly understanding why i am so insecure. I have also started giving him a space and understanding when he needs his “me time” or “cricket time”.

I cannot say that i have made any good friends. People are mean and manipulative and I am a straight forward girl. I would better spend my day alone doing things that I love to do and improving my skills than being with people who keep judging you every second.

Even then, I feel much stronger now.

I am also learning to cook and have improved a lot 🙂 I will soon start a “stay fit” blog where i will help people to opt for a healthy lifestyle.

Oh, i also came across Prof. Carol Dweck’s speeches on YouTube. You should totally listen to her speak. She talks about how we can improve and achieve what we want to achieve. It’s really great. I am also thinking of buying her book, “Mindset”. Recently I read “the monk who sold his ferrari”… umm…well… honest personal opinion, I did not like it much. Maybe i should give it time to actually make any sense to me.

Anyway… have a great week! ttyl 🙂 take care.

Blank Walls

My bed on a side, a study table to my right

A mahogany book shelf, in it accolades, my pride

A series of black and white head-shots, how I changed

And a dressing table, a cupboard full of teenage make-up mind

Stickers everywhere,  the painter in me on every wall

Crafts and designed handkerchief, tucked in  a special box

Scented erasers, barbie’s dresses

Hidden personal diary, latest album cassettes

My den, my recovery room, decorated haphazard

But it was mine

 

No picture, no painting

No folly of my mind on these walls

What can you take away if I don’t give you anything?

Cooking To Stay Happy

Moved to a spacious new apartment that has a huge balcony with not-so-good view, but i enjoy the after-office evening tea in the balcony every weekdays. There is something very comforting about a cozy bean bag chair, hot tea, biscuit, and your favorite YouTube channel.

My flatmates are IT girls (no pun intended) and they come quite late from office, therefore, I get all the time to practice singing and playing the guitar. Also, by the time they come home, my hunger takes the shape of that of a dragon inside my stomach. So, I cook dinner before they come home. And I am getting really good at cooking (Indian cuisine). Which makes me think of starting a YouTube channel or an Instagram account on the everyday easy to cook recipes.

To be honest, cooking actually helps a lot with my depression. My mind gets diverted the moment I start chopping the veggies and start planning what else to put in to make it healthy and tasty. By the time I finish cooking and taste the food to check whether it tastes good, my mood is lifted up. Probably  the joy of being able to recreate my mom’s recipes or experimenting on a new recipe helps to secrete “feel-good” hormones.

I have also been reading a lot about nutrition and their benefits on human health. It’s a wonder how our food choices decide how well we will be physically and mentally.

Anyway, hope you are doing well and thank you for reading my post 🙂 means a lot to me.

TC!

It’s Complicated!

Something is bothering me. Maybe it’s me.

I don’t feel at rest/peace. I am always worrying or thinking about something or the other. From where do I get this too sensitive skin?! It’s not good. See…that’s where it starts. I keep analyzing everything. I am monitoring my every step and every attempt to achieve something and I am going round in circles, reaching nowhere. My mind has been talking too much lately. Even in a club, where the music is too loud, I am thinking of either office or how I can direct my career to a better path or my boyfriend or my new home or that I have to lose weight (while enjoying the potato wedges with mayonnaise and beer).

I sleep 7-8 hours a day. Which is medically enough for an adult person. But still I feel extremely tired and keep yawning the whole day at office. I sit in the office to work, resist my temptation to go play Foosball or pool to finish up my work, but I never do. I come home and finish my work. So, then I don’t get time to study for the nutrition course. Wow! I am brilliant at leading a stupid, lazy, unproductive and mundane life. Oh, no I do hang out with friends a lot, but I don’t truly hang out with them.

I am always with another me. My best friend and my best foe of all time.

Last week was my birthday and I did not buy myself anything. Got sloshed at a pub where the music sucked to the core. All that time that I was getting drunk, what I had on my mind was, whether I was drinking too much and whether I have enough money to pay for the bill 😀 I was somehow able to stop my mind from reminding me of my age. Thank God for that.

Why is everybody conspiring against me? Why do they take away my productivity?

I don’t think that’s normal to think but when I have nothing else to think or when I am happy that everything is going fine, I cannot help but think negative about everything. I am angry all the time. I am so angry at everyone. A small deviation from the normal and it will get my head heated so quickly and so bad that I burn myself down in that flame. Yet I have to put up a smiling face and be nice to people who I don’t want to even see. How to master the “block out” mechanism?

Hmm…looks like I know the problem and the solution but I have no idea why I don’t do it. Do I get some kind of high from it? Then why do I feel low?

Dude..it’s complicated.

 

Confession Of A Depressed Girl

Who is happy? Are you?

At this point of my life I don’t see anyone around me happy, needless to say that I top the “unhappy list.” Practically I should be very happy. I am getting a better pay, got a better job, learning a lot and I am confident now that I will make a mark in this world. But I am not happy.

Love hurts.

Why does love hurt so much? Why can’t I breath. Why can’t I concentrate. Why does my personal life have everything to do with me being truly happy? Why can’t I just be happy by buying something online or from the mall. Why do I keep thinking whether I will ever find someone to truly love, who would love me back.

I don’t feel loved. Makes it tough for me to love.For how long can you be persistent?

I hate this ‘me’. I know how much I resist change. I don’t want to change myself. But change is needed for survival. Remember? Survival of the fittest? If I don’t change, if I don’t become the “ice-queen” (exaggerated) I won’t win the lands.

What if I had nothing to lose?

I have tried the “sane way”; to accept that I am very emotional and I will remain this way forever.But the “sane way” is not serving the purpose. I am going more and more into the shit-hole, hopeless that I will ever be able to walk away. Even if I don’t physically walk away, I should be able to do that mentally. Do you have any idea how powerful your mind is? It can create heaven. It can wreck havoc. Don’t let your mind wreck havoc on you. Let others see you as the calm soul, the ordinary person. But one power that your mind has is to wreck havoc on others’ minds. Sounds criminal. But when you are in so much pain that you cannot talk  but type your feelings out, I guess these thoughts can give a certain sense of victory in your imagination. For few minutes if that brings happiness, why not?

You may hate me for this. But I am tired of pleasing others. I don’t want to impress anybody.

I know I am depressed, but I don’t want to be here all my life. I have often heard people say, “don’t expect too much.” Why not? If I think that I am worth it, why would I not expect? If I expect nothing more than fidelity from my boyfriend, am I expecting too much? If I want my mom to cook a simple dinner for me (common in Indian families), am I expecting too much? If I want my friend to understand that I need to talk about a certain problem, am I expecting too much? Good thing, friends seldom disappoint.

We, the depressed, value this life. We value time (though we spend it mostly being depressed). We value people who mean a lot to us. We give our best to them. We give everything that we can to make them happy, see them smile, protect them from getting hurt and in return we expect nothing but truthfulness. We expect our best friends to keep the secret a secret. We expect simple joys of life such as holding hands or taking good care of each other. We expect that we would be as successful in reality as we are in our minds. For us, life is too short and we have so much to achieve; love, career, money, peace. All of these are tough to get and failure sends us to the shit-hole. Our minds start running in every direction possible and it gets so over worked that we feel tired physically. So, we sleep. Dreams are the only place where everything is perfect.

Escapist!

The Fanny Ardant in Me

I bumped into an article published in The Guardian and I fell in love with Fanny Ardant. I did not know her till today, I have not been fortunate enough to see any of her movies, I do not know anything about her success as a movie star, however, after reading the article, I recognized similar emotions in her, as me.

“I see things noir. I have a great black veil that falls over my head. I have never seen a psychoanalyst, though. I think if I did I would cry and cry a torrent of tears and never stop.”
“People say I am always exaggerating, but the only thing interesting in life is love. Whether we are happy or not, love is the essential. Everything else – money, power, glory – just fills the hole left by an absence of love.” 

Many times I have looked up psychiatrists online, but I never went ahead to get a “treatment”. It would be too embarrassing to cry and talk about all the secrets of my family and me, in front of a total stranger. Wouldn’t he/she judge me? Would she be able to understand what I am going through and would I be able to overcome my problems if I saw a psychiatrist? Is seeing a psychiatrist still a taboo here? What would I say? Will I be able to reveal why I couldn’t study and get a better score in high school ? Will I be able to tell what I saw as an infant?

So, I never went to see the psychiatrist. Like Fanny Ardant, I pretend. I think I would be an amazing actor! Though these days it has been tough pretending happy when I am not. All I want to do is sit in a dark sound-proof room and stare into the darkness. As if trying to find a little light. Would my mind stop talking then?

I like it or not, Love has always been the priority of my life. I think to spend time with the few people that matter the most, including yourself, is the best gift that one can give and get. Love, is what will make me stay. I often daydream about a full blown start-up business of my own. The power that money will bring me. The power to softly declare my win against the “friends” who think that I am a failure. The power to shut my relatives’ mouths. The power to employ and fire. The power to play with the bulls. I am sure all this will be more meaningful and fulfilling if I have my Love by my side. Without Love, I will not be truly happy. I don’t think I will ever be so successful without Love. Love makes me full on powerful and at times powerless. It builds me and destroys me. I know it is fleeting, but I have not given up on Love  yet.

I once wrote to my boyfriend in a dramatic way, after a bitter altercation, asking him to exchange souls for one day and see what my mind sees, what I feel when he behaves in a certain way and why I am so insecure. But if God really gave me that power, would I allow such pain to occur to him? He is innocent. He has not experienced what I did in a very early life. Would I spoil his innocence?
Never.

 

The Them

I am so disgusted with them that unless I vent out my bottled up anger, I won’t be at peace.

I am an idiot for enduring this for more than a year now.

A very naive scientist once wanted to publish his research work in one of the scientific journals.He e-mailed one of  “the them”:

“It would be a pleasure to get my article published in your invaluable journal”, he wrote.
“Hey look what this guy has written”, she said to me.
I read, smiled and said, “congratulations!”
“Ahh…can’t you see, he has written invaluable journal and yet he wants to submit his article!”

Bummer

This situation repeated itself twice and both the times “the them” was a manager.

Double bummer.

I am so angry at myself for not leaving this job much earlier that I feel like picking up the TV and thrashing it on the floor.I am so in destruction mode right now (reminds me of goddess Kali) that I can destroy everything in my apartment. Putting up a smiling face and talking to “the them” even when I don’t want to, but I have to, makes it even worse. Slightest of interaction with “the them” makes it clear that this is not my place. This is not where I am supposed to be. This is not what I deserve. I deserve much better.

I really want to backlash out at “the them” one day, but I realize, that would be too childish, too immature, too predictable. I am not predictable. I won’t let them predict my actions.

God! I just need the strength of few more days to bear with “the them”.

Its a wonder how you plan your future in a certain way and then you land yourself in an alien place, surrounded with aliens (while the aliens also think of you as an alien!) and interact with each other in language unknown. You look at their ugly faces, as they look at your ugly face, listen to their jokes and wonder which part exactly was the funny part, listen to an alien “fashionista” criticize your sense of style (how dare “the them”) and on top of it “the them” take it for granted that you are a “fool alien” and you do not understand their cruel intentions.

I am done with this.

I will work so hard this year that I will remove “the them” off my life.

They can go kiss each other’s asses.

 

 

Going Nowehere

Last one week and this week has been quite emotionally tiring. No one can escape from reality. We all have to face it. We may hide from it for a while, but unless we face the challenges, small or big, tiring or exciting, we never overcome these temporary challenges.

I can’t seem to overcome this dark shadow of feeling so helpless and feeling so downtrodden, as if I have lost all. I have lost myself in this whirlpool of different emotions. Once I went to an art exhibition when I was in middle school with my father. The artist painted emotions! Yes. He painted anger, love, hate, happiness… One thing I took from there is the circular-rough pattern of these painted emotions! Now when I feel too low, I feel a chunk of mixed emotions on my chest and it moves in circular motion.

I wish I could just lie down on my bed in the comfort of a warm blanket and watch TV all day long. I wish I had the privilege of not talking to anyone for at least a day. I don’t want to talk to myself too. I want the merry-go-round to stop. I wish I could eat whatever I wanted without having to worry about putting on more weight.

We scurry like little mice, in search of food, in search of a faithful partner, in search of happiness but where do we actually go? Nowhere. We fall into the same patterns of our behavior, same situations but different people and place, same emotions, same troubles, same thoughts, same boredom of familiarity, same excitement and same resentment.

I think we are jokers to our audience and the show is for free.

I want to go back to the sunflower field, that I passed everyday on my way to and from school. I want to sit there and see the sunflowers move their heads as the sun moved from east to west. I want a Spotless Mind. I want to finish writing a simple essay on COW, that my mom would dictate and as soon as I finish, I want to rush out to the garden and play with my dog and my imaginary friends.  Climb up on a tree and sit there with my long lost childhood friend, rescue kittens and puppies from the street and bring home to keep them, only to return them back to the place from where we rescued them, run and fall, fight and not talk and become friends again. How easy was it to be friends again in childhood. How easy was it to forgive and be forgiven.

Scurry mice scurry, there is no time for all this non-sense, your audiences are waiting!

IMG_20150725_131205905

 

Unanswered

Cello-piano
Or
Electric guitar-double bass drum

High of the weed
Or
Low after you are gone
Your afterglow

The cold breeze
Or
Hot summer sun
Burning my skin

The faraway land
Or
This crowded city
Which you left a little while ago

Nowhere
Nothing
Would ever
Leave me wondering
Why? Why now?
What happened?

As your purple anger
Silent and waiting
To release the demons
Of your unleashed tongue

And when everything calms down
Our graves would open
Hissing our names
Come 

Why? What happened to us?
What happened to us…