Foggy winter. Christmas holidays. She woke me up.
“Get up, it’s time.”
My sleepy eye won’t open, still I managed to extend my hands towards her -pick me up. A small kitchen, 2 small rooms, a living room and a beautiful garden all around the house. So many colorful flowers. Every morning I opened my eyes to the beautiful flowers and droplets of dew on them.
“Now, take the tooth brush.”
I took it from her, my eyes still closed. Then I opened them and saw a cyan blue color tooth paste! The usual would be white. I was surprised, in a pleasant way. Now my eyes opened wide. I smiled and looked back at her.
She stood there, looked at her youngest cub brush her teeth with eyes closed. She saw her take a look at the toothbrush and then to her surprise her cub looked back at her and smiled. Oh! such a relief. She thought. She is not crying today.
And my mum smiled back at me.
Take that Bliss and keep it safe. Keep it safe is the middle of your palm, cover it with the other. Let no one touch it. Let it not bleed.
To keep your calm and poise, is such a cumbersome task. Those who have it or who have mastered it, are wise. To not to budge and be in a trance, like the Buddha and accept the truth of life, we came alone and we will leave this world alone, is tough. We design our lives depending on the expectations and situations. What do we get ultimately? Car? House? Money? And yea, money buys everything, even happiness. But why? Who made this rule? Who turned the world into this madness? “Madness”
I love you and you love me, I am your mother and you are my child, I hate you for life and you don’t want to see me again, you are from a different religion and you despise me for my color, I judge you more than I judge myself before I judge you. Why? What is PERFECT? Isn’t what we do, in someway or the other, already perfect? Do I have to answer you for everything? Why would I expect an explanation from you?
Don’t get affected. The wise say.
Irresponsible. We blame.
And the circus continues.
I have always had a thing for yellow flowers. I love the concept of yellow and green. There is something happy about the yellow flowers. This picture is taken by my cell phone camera, is not a perfect capture, but I still like the way it is focused away from the rest and is focused on the leaves, giving the leaves a dark green shadow while the flower petals shine in the sun’s soft light.
Have you ever tried painting a sunflower when you are feeling low/depressed? It works wonders. No matter how imperfect it is, the vibrant yellow petals will make you feel good. It is also the fact that for a few minutes you will forget what you are depressed about when you paint.
In this city life, we see nothing but huge buildings, some shiny and tall and some the most ordinary and mundane. I have realized that to survive this morbid/lethal set, I need to decorate my set with colors of Nature. I do not get to do that often, but I don’t lose a chance when I get one.
Sometimes it is tough to manage the mixed emotion of hurt, pain and anger. What can one do to stop it? When its too much to bear..when you are surprised how much you expect and what you get.
At these times I am reminded of the Lady Antebellum song.
“…and I wonder if I ever cross your mind…”
I am a human being and I have expectations. Should I apologise for being such an ordinary human being? I want to love and be loved in return.
He loves me he loves me not.
So many reasons to love me not. I was not always this unlovable! My aunt loved me when I was a little girl. I still miss her. Sometimes when i am alone, i think of her, watching me over and smiling and saying,”hey its all going to pass.” I know its just me trying to motivate myself. Now that I am grown up and looking for love, I have become the most unlovable girl.
The wonderful man I met, loves me.
The wonderful man I met, loves me not.
Still I want to cry on his shoulders. I want to watch him sleep. I want to hold his hands. I want to see him make funny faces. I want to hold on to good memories. I want to make new memories.
‘Do you want the same?”
“I love you more, I love you not.”
I have always wanted a puppy. I would adopt a stray later.
Yesterday, we went out to have dinner and while we were about to leave, we were stunned by a sharp cry. We looked towards the busy road and saw a puppy lying on the road. I was terrified as well as curious. Two guys ran to rescue the puppy from getting run over. The puppy wouldn’t let the guys touch him. He was crying out loud and shaking terribly.
I ran towards him. I couldn’t stop myself. I had to do something about it.
When I was in high school, one day while coming back from school, I saw a few people trying to rescue a kitten. It had fallen into a big drain that ran by the road. It cried frantically and needed someone to go down there and bring it up. I could hear the men, saying, “it cannot be rescued, it will die.” I was a teenage girl and did not have the motivation/ guts to go forward and rescue the kitten. I walked past the scene. Till this day, I feel bad about it.
So I acted when I had the chance.
Though the pup cried and wouldn’t let me touch him, I picked him up and put him down on the footpath. At first the guys thought his legs were injured. But soon we discovered that he was unhurt. He probably got saved just seconds before being run over. After few minutes the pup stopped crying. I guess he was in shock, which is why he shook terribly. The guy put a handkerchief around him to comfort him. Kudos to the two guys present there, who ran first to rescue the pup.
There was one more guy who stood right behind me. He stood there and let me do what I needed/wanted to.
Sometimes, we need to act when we have to, directly or indirectly.
I guess, this is the beginning of a tragedy. Or did it begin much earlier? Its hard to tell.
So, whatever it is, I cannot hold it from happening. I am not giving up. I am letting it go. I am in love or am I not. Does it matter? Do I care do I not. Does it matter? I wouldn’t have felt the void, unless I got a reason to. It had happened before too.
“Prioritize, stupid woman!” And we are back to square one.
Do I have the time? Nope.
Time. You can write the word TIME and put a full stop, but still it runs away. Maybe that is why I want it so much. Time.
But who has it?
Maybe I am not worth it! Your time.
“Fool, you take out time..”
Do you want to be here? Ya I am here. But you are drifting in your mind somewhere else. Somewhere where I am not present.
I am a prison cell. Am I not?