Almost A Year Now…

If someone told me last year this time that I was going to be sitting exactly where I was.. I wouldn’t believe it.

Cloud 9? A 10 or a 100 may be. I was getting married to the guy I loved and stayed loyal to for 4 years. 4 years of my crucial time. I was getting married in the hope to find happily ever after. I was so prepared for the domestic life and a freelancing career. I started to like babies. I still do.

That’s a pain I live with now. I am biologically and mentally prepared to mother a child. But, society doesn’t allow it freely yet. Moreover, I am not financially so well-to-do yet. Also… will I be a good mother? Or will I be like mine?

I know.. it’s 2020 and I should have moved on by now. But moving on is not just about finding the next good thing and finding happiness again. It’s about being OK looking back at the wasted time and how much invested you were in that relationship. Forgetting and forgiving.

But I am not OK looking back with my eyes open this time. About the times when there was a clear indication of a want to break up and I didn’t see it. The time when it was my birthday and he broke up with me. I was alone in the balcony at 12 in the night thinking, “it’s my birthday..and he broke up with me?! NO, he can’t do that!” And I rang him back again.

He might have been a nice guy to others. But was he really nice to me? There were patterns of behavior that I was totally blind to. What about the times when he thought I was less of him because I had a lesser pay? Or the fact that he likes fair girls and I am dusky? Or that I have acne marks and freckles while he likes white, porcelain skin? Why were these not indication enough that I was not his type? And that the moment he found someone that fills those blanks, he would get up and run?

Yes, I blame myself. But why do guys want to be remembered as “nice” when they could do us the favor of not wasting our time?

It’s 2020. And my brain has processed the fact that fair skin and dollar bills can win anything over. My brain has processed that I probably never knew him well. I am fully aware that I have issues. But who doesn’t? I acknowledge that I have been too blind in love. I regret my silly moves when all he did was manipulate me.

But my heart needs more time to heal. I cannot deal with emotional baggage. I just cannot be a shoulder to cry on. I dont want to be on the good books. I dont want to be your bestie. I cannot waste time thinking, “well..maybe.. let’s try..” I don’t want to feel insecure. I definitely don’t want to settle down for the next best thing.

I have plans. And, for the first time I dont want anyone’s opinion if my plan is a good one. If this sparks joy in me.. of independence, of being capable of standing alone, of not having to get emotionally drained and seeking attention… I think I am in the best phase of my life.

Dilemma

It is difficult to settle down for anything less than I deserve now. I am 31. Single. Broke.

My biological need of a warm little body beside me is so strong that I look at 6 month old kids and tear up thinking… I might never have one!

At the same time.. I talk to guys on as Indian matrimony sites (yes, you get grooms and brides!) So that I can get married and have a baby (not that you cannot have a baby without marrying or without a man.. but since I was heading towards a marriage earlier this year, I still haven’t stopped thinking like that) and think.. I might never have a husband!

No, it’s not because I compare these guys with my ex. I am over that stage. He is an ex for a reason. I have gone back and forth in time and have re-lived the past and the pain. And I understood why I did what I did. Why he did what he did. For sure, I want to give a fare chance to a new man.

I just feel that I have never loved myself this way before. And no man is at par with that. I don’t want to settle down for people who do not give me the emotional support that I want from them.

It is also at these times that I realize that had I been in love with myself before, I wouldn’t have chosen to be with a person who dumped me on my birthday once.

I laugh now looking back at my foolishness. But at the time.. I remember feeling helpless. And that feeling of helplessness stemmed out from insecurity about my previous job, my skin color, my age, my past failures, and the fear of future.

Thank God I have learnt to empathize with myself. I need it a lot.

And so, when I see these guys are either trying too hard or not trying at all.. I don’t feel like dipping my feet into something that’d make me go back to being insecure and unhappy.

Yes, I want to have a baby. A baby with a proper family so that I can give the baby a proper childhood, education etc. But why can’t I build a life with people who’d encourage and enrich my life?

Am I ready to wait? Yes. Does biology wait? No.