I have been feeling super energetic and productive these days. Something happend last week. I am not sure what but I knew I was ready to grieve, feel the pain, and move forward.
I cry every night. I howl and cry. But that feels good. I go back to those three weeks and relive the moments. No, I did not do anything wrong. If someone who says he loves you can be ignorant, disrespectful, and unloving.. then it is best to not get married to that person.
It is painful still. But I don’t go back questioning my decision. Or his. Yes, I have now learned to keep my ears and eyes open. The many times my ex told me that he wanted to breakup and I kept holding on to him.
I remember he broke up with me on my birthday once. He was out for dinner with a lady friend. And did not bother to tell me. He told me on the day I was going for an interview.
The insecure me had a problem with this and I picked up a fight. And that time too, he chose her over me.
What was I? Blind? Deaf? Idiot?
I should have left him that day. That would have been my gift. But I clung to him.
At the time, I was not earning much. I was very judgmental of myself and my confidence level was in minus. An ex-lecturer, an ex-topper, an ex-young readercher… was doing data entry job. Why? Because I wanted to live away from home, not ask for money from anyone, and figure out what other options were there apart from PhD.
I dated a few guys but did not click with any of them. I was also clueless about job options and career options. I was just in a place where I felt like I was dumb and I was not worth it.
So, when I found a good-looking IT guy, I thought, “wow! I am worth it. I have value! This guy likes me back!!”
And to keep feeling the serotonin rush, I kept being in a relationship that was probably over before it even began.
Honestly, now when I go out to have dinner with guys and if I feel anything that’s off, I shrug that guy off and move on. Because, now I have the confidence. I know I deserve better.
But I remember, I sat in the cinema hall when my ex and I were in the “getting to know each other phase” and he told me that he went for dinner with some one who, according to him, had a crush on him and he did not like her at all. At all.
I was offended. It felt wrong. So, you can go out on a date and blame it on the girl. And I, the fool, stopped meeting a friend who had a thing for me. And yet, I sat in the cinema hall with him and now I am here, venting away on wordpress!
Once when we were having a fight and I told him that it felt wrong that he went on a dinner date with her… he said, “we were not in a relationship that time ” this statement also felt wrong. Because we were seeing each other. He never told me that him and I were free to go on dates with other people. It was not mutually exclusive. Had I known that I would have met the guy who called me first right after finishing his B-scool and landing an awesome job.
Anyway.. all these thoughts keep coming. I cry. I feel like someone is thomping on my chest. That someone is wringing my heart. That I am such a fool. But I feel. I am not running away from it.
I let myself feel and that is slowly making me stronger. Maybe immune is the word. Immune from low energy and motivation.
Not sure yet if Acceptance is here yet. I am not rushing. I have taken 3 years to come out of a 6-month relationship.. and this was 4 years long. So, it will take some time. I am OK with it.
I am not looking for love now. I am not looking for a physical relationship either. I want to learn, learn, and learn. I want to make something meaningful out of myself.
Fingers crossed.
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