Closing Chapter

This is the final blog post here on officeboredomblog. My chapter of darkness and negativity has come to an end. Not because I have found what I am looking for. But I am ready to let this go.

I have hated. I have harbored negative emotions. I have struggled. I have cried. I have been miserable. And this blogging platform gave me the freedom to vent anonymously and talk about things that I would not otherwise.

This blog also helped me land a job that I am currently in. I have never ever looked back. I am doing good and have many opportunities knocking on my door. I am immensely thankful for that.

I started Officeboredomblog when I was in a crappy office that had zero work ethic or work culture and a crappier pay back in 2015. I used to feel so out of place, frustrated, and bored in office that one afternoon I opened Officeboredomblog to have something useful to do.

Writing my heart out helped me calm down and de-stress. To be able to do that without being scared of what people would say is a true bliss.

I have written unfiltered posts about my breakup and dark thoughts. I do not regret it. But it let me learn many important lessons. Especially, about myself.

Over the past year, I might not have changed much but there is a change in me for sure.

I am finally in the phase of Acceptance. My broken family, my broken soul, and my broken heart.

With acceptance, forgiveness came easily.

I have forgiven my ex for how things ended and the long list of wrongdoings. He had his limitations and he acted as any human would. My heart still aches but it does not get fogged by anger or resentment.

Memories

I have partially forgiven my parents for starting a family on the wrong note. I have forgiven my dad for being absent and being a “lady’s man”. And, my mother for not letting father bond with us, instilling trust issues, baseless fears of losing, being over-controlling, and not helping me when I first showed signs of depression when I was in 7th grade.

They both too had their limitations. Circumstances and situations were also not on their side. Or… on our side.

I am forgiving myself one day at a time. I have done many things I shouldn’t have. I have said harsh things to my mother to the point that she broke down in tears. I have been rude, inattentive, and ungrateful to my friends. I have been an utterly nightmarish girlfriend – possessive, controlling, insecure, slandering, apathetic, and zero trust.

I have accepted that I cannot do anything about my broken family or my rough early life. But what I make of my life from now on is in my hands.

Love sunsets. Gives me hope that the sun will rise again

Don’t get me wrong, I am no magician. The issues I have are serious. It is going to take years of conscious practice to break that colored glass through which I see the world. But at least I will try. I won’t give up on myself.

I too deserve the best of this one life I have. With or without a human companion.

On that note, I would like to say thank you for taking the time to read my post(s). Thank you Opal Flame for being a pen friend (it’s been a while).

Thank you my dear blog. It’s time to let go, move forward, start the next chapter of my life, and allow healing.

Yours,

Officeboredomblog

Need to switch on the lights in the other room!

Even In Pain, I Wish You The Best

14th Feb 2019 (one year ago) my phone chimed. “XYZ: HVD” I had saved my ex’s name as XYZ. But what was HVD?

I frantically picked up the phone and started typing. I was excited to hear from him but was not sure what HVD was. He saw the message but did not reply. And then after thinking for a few seconds I realized.. oh! It’s Valentine’s day today!

We had been fighting for the past few days. First, I stopped talking to him because he was not giving me enough time. Then he stopped talking because he couldn’t bear my attention demands anymore. I had scathed him with insults.

Today a “Happy Valentine’s day” message from a guy on a random dating app brought back memories. I had said “hey” to this guy last month.

To my ex, I had said “I love you” for 4 years.

As the traumatic memories filled my eyes and made my nose run like a baby’s first spoon of cerelac.. I could not decide if it is tragedy or comedy. And started smiling at my own erratic humor timing!

A Bollywood movie has a great dialogue, “we live once, we love once, we marry once.” Well, no. We don’t love or marry once. For sure we live once.

Demanding the best out of this one life is no crime. And he wanted what was best for him. Of course, it was painful for me. It still pains after a year. It will probably pain the next year too. But if we were not happy with each other, what was the point? At this point of my life, I wish him to have the best things and the best people in his life.

I wish so for myself too. How little time we have got in this space and dimension. Who knows who we lose how soon… but what we have got is ourselves, a little time, and the immense power to forgive and forget. Hope I will get there one day, with help of time, when I will not tear up anymore. Just smile.

Happy Valentine’s Day to me 🙂

Almost A Year Now…

If someone told me last year this time that I was going to be sitting exactly where I was.. I wouldn’t believe it.

Cloud 9? A 10 or a 100 may be. I was getting married to the guy I loved and stayed loyal to for 4 years. 4 years of my crucial time. I was getting married in the hope to find happily ever after. I was so prepared for the domestic life and a freelancing career. I started to like babies. I still do.

That’s a pain I live with now. I am biologically and mentally prepared to mother a child. But, society doesn’t allow it freely yet. Moreover, I am not financially so well-to-do yet. Also… will I be a good mother? Or will I be like mine?

I know.. it’s 2020 and I should have moved on by now. But moving on is not just about finding the next good thing and finding happiness again. It’s about being OK looking back at the wasted time and how much invested you were in that relationship. Forgetting and forgiving.

But I am not OK looking back with my eyes open this time. About the times when there was a clear indication of a want to break up and I didn’t see it. The time when it was my birthday and he broke up with me. I was alone in the balcony at 12 in the night thinking, “it’s my birthday..and he broke up with me?! NO, he can’t do that!” And I rang him back again.

He might have been a nice guy to others. But was he really nice to me? There were patterns of behavior that I was totally blind to. What about the times when he thought I was less of him because I had a lesser pay? Or the fact that he likes fair girls and I am dusky? Or that I have acne marks and freckles while he likes white, porcelain skin? Why were these not indication enough that I was not his type? And that the moment he found someone that fills those blanks, he would get up and run?

Yes, I blame myself. But why do guys want to be remembered as “nice” when they could do us the favor of not wasting our time?

It’s 2020. And my brain has processed the fact that fair skin and dollar bills can win anything over. My brain has processed that I probably never knew him well. I am fully aware that I have issues. But who doesn’t? I acknowledge that I have been too blind in love. I regret my silly moves when all he did was manipulate me.

But my heart needs more time to heal. I cannot deal with emotional baggage. I just cannot be a shoulder to cry on. I dont want to be on the good books. I dont want to be your bestie. I cannot waste time thinking, “well..maybe.. let’s try..” I don’t want to feel insecure. I definitely don’t want to settle down for the next best thing.

I have plans. And, for the first time I dont want anyone’s opinion if my plan is a good one. If this sparks joy in me.. of independence, of being capable of standing alone, of not having to get emotionally drained and seeking attention… I think I am in the best phase of my life.

Dilemma

It is difficult to settle down for anything less than I deserve now. I am 31. Single. Broke.

My biological need of a warm little body beside me is so strong that I look at 6 month old kids and tear up thinking… I might never have one!

At the same time.. I talk to guys on as Indian matrimony sites (yes, you get grooms and brides!) So that I can get married and have a baby (not that you cannot have a baby without marrying or without a man.. but since I was heading towards a marriage earlier this year, I still haven’t stopped thinking like that) and think.. I might never have a husband!

No, it’s not because I compare these guys with my ex. I am over that stage. He is an ex for a reason. I have gone back and forth in time and have re-lived the past and the pain. And I understood why I did what I did. Why he did what he did. For sure, I want to give a fare chance to a new man.

I just feel that I have never loved myself this way before. And no man is at par with that. I don’t want to settle down for people who do not give me the emotional support that I want from them.

It is also at these times that I realize that had I been in love with myself before, I wouldn’t have chosen to be with a person who dumped me on my birthday once.

I laugh now looking back at my foolishness. But at the time.. I remember feeling helpless. And that feeling of helplessness stemmed out from insecurity about my previous job, my skin color, my age, my past failures, and the fear of future.

Thank God I have learnt to empathize with myself. I need it a lot.

And so, when I see these guys are either trying too hard or not trying at all.. I don’t feel like dipping my feet into something that’d make me go back to being insecure and unhappy.

Yes, I want to have a baby. A baby with a proper family so that I can give the baby a proper childhood, education etc. But why can’t I build a life with people who’d encourage and enrich my life?

Am I ready to wait? Yes. Does biology wait? No.

What Will It Take

What will it take to not feel let down by supposedly the “love of my life”? What hurts more? The rejection? Or the ego burn for the fact that he chose another woman over me? Or is it the fact that deep down I know that as human beings we tend to get attracted to things and beings that are more promising and exciting.

I don’t earn 200,000 USD + benefits per year! I don’t have the white skin that Indians are obsessed with. I don’t have a slim body. Neither am I a Punjabi woman.

I have a dysfunctional family. A tormented childhood.

I have trust issues.

I was NEVER his type.

Yet I believed. I kept my eyes closed and ears plugged. He did so too.

Or maybe I forced him to. I wanted to show him blue. He saw red. And we both believed in a lie.

It’s more difficult to forgive myself for my actions than forgiving him. There are few nights when I don’t think what if I had turned and left the day he said he did not want to be with me for the first time?

Why was I always trying to fix that was broken at the base?

It was bound to crumble. Wasn’t it?

So.. what will it really take to not feel let down my myself?

3 Weeks Of Pain

Could I possibly be in love with a person who kept me hanging for 3 weeks to let me know if he would actually go forward with the wedding?

Those 3 weeks were the worst days of my life. I have had worst days. Sure. But those 3 weeks made me so weak that I thought it was better to have disease and die instead of living.

I was in excruciating pain. I was anxious. I was in panic.

But he was enjoying. He went snowboarding, on dinners, and hangouts with his Mistress and her husband.

For 4 years I gave him undivided commitment. Long distance relationships are hard. But I was in it to make it work. For 4 years I waited for him to finally tell his parents about us.

Right before he called off the wedding, he gave me little attention. He would go out and not call me. I had become non existant.

So, I had to take a stand. I stopped talking to him. Or replying to his messages. And when I was ready to talk, he had his friends over and was in no mood to talk.

He said, “do you know how i felt when you were not talking?”

I was not talking to him to let him know that I don’t feel loved and cared and so, I will do the same to you. Because, I am a human being too and when needed, I can be tough on people I love as well.

But he turned the blame on me. Just like any other toxic person would.

So, I lost it completely (later he said, “yea, that’s why I dont trust you.”) and God knows what I told him.

And he said, “that’s it. I am done.” And continued saying something his father said about integrity and morality etc.

While he might be correct.. I still stand by the fact that I was not loved enough. I was ready to give up my career for him. I was ready to adjust to his culture. All I wanted was to be with him. I was 100% committed. Never cheated. Never thought of breaking up.

Honestly, I can’t blame his mistress. If he is swayed by money, sex, and beauty… may be he is not the man I thought him to be.

If he couldn’t understand me in 4 years but selfishly wanted me to understand him and be OK with anything he does… maybe was not for me.

I remember him breaking down in my arms while telling me about how his ex had cheated on him and got married to his ex boss.

That same crying person… lied and cheated on me. No, I am not talking about having an affair or having sex. It’s the emotional cheating. It’s the time he took away from me. It’s my love that he took from me. It’s the trust that he broke again. It’s the pain he put me through for 3 weeks. It’s the lies, “I dont talk to her anymore”.. while his roommate told me that he went out snowboarding or lunch or dinner with her.

The grey sweater that me and him bought, I saw a post where his Mistress was wearing it. When I asked him about it.. he said, “oh! So now you are stalking her? Why would you ask me this?”

Why not? Why not? If you have a straight answer, give it. If not..if you are buying time to think, then I know what you were up to.

The fool in me.. still wanted to be with him. Wanted to get married! Really? You fool. Really????

Those 3 weeks… when my hands would tremble, have night sweats, have no appetite, and feel extremely depressed.. he wouldn’t call me, text me… he would go cry on his mistress’s shoulders.

I even remember him getting upset because I called his Mistress a slut. Yea, I slut-shamed her. Now I know why wives slut shame women their husband get attracted to.

I remember him telling me, “you don’t take her name with your filthy mouth.”

He pushed me far away. Far, far away.

I am taking my time to recover, I am glad that I am not living like the way I was in those 3 weeks time. Thank God it’s over. I dont wish anyone going through such a horrific time.

A time when you know that something is wrong, this doesnt feel right.. but still you want to be blind and not see the obvious. A time when you are unwanted and discarded but you want to hold on and somehow want to turn back time.

It’s over. For good. Now, I can slowly move away from this pain. It will take time. For sure. But I will get past it.

Deeper Than The Sea

Somewhere on the other side
You live
Your head held high

I spend my days
Like a zombie
In a rat chase

Every sunset
Seems meaningless

Every touch of love
Hurts

Every tick of hour
Seems like a year

Yet the wound too fresh
Not a single new cell layer

So, I let it be
No more painkillers….

Taking Back My Curse

There’s hardly a day when I dont think about you.

Pain has reduced. Love hasn’t.

Unfortunately, I know exactly what your facial expression would be if you somehow got to know that my heart is still taken by you. A mix of hate, anger, anguish, and resentment.

It’s nobody’s fault that we don’t talk. It’s going to be two years since I last saw you. It’s nobody’s fault that I had so less time with you.

I pass by the Mc.D where I saw you with your friend. I pass by your old office. I pass by the corner we first met. I pass by the lane we used to walk.

Remembering us.

This city is rapidly changing. But a few areas still remain the same. Sometimes I think may be moving cities would be a good idea. But you know what? What’s the guarantee that I wouldn’t think about you there too?

What if I see this beautiful sunset and remember the time we saw the setting sun’s orange tinge on the last glass building from my balcony?

What if I saw someone who looks a little like you?

What if I actually meet someone and take a liking on him? Would it stop me from making the same mistake again?

Will I be too afraid? Thinking about my saga with you? Thinking that love always hurts? Thinking that if a person like you could hurt me, what hope is left for others?

No. I have hurt you too. I still remember you crying. Don’t know if that was really because what I said or because you were saddened by your fate.. that you ever met me.

I am sorry.

I take back my curse.

I wish you meet someone you can be happy with.

Go on trips, buy the motorbike, get the perfect job, start your business, keep your family happy, be a wonderful dad, an understanding and loving husband, and a good human being.

After He Called Off The Wedding

Earlier this year I was told the most painful thing. And it changed my life.

In 2017 and 2018, I was in a dreamland. Contemplating marriage and kids. Somehow I felt marriage and kids would give me the happiness of family life I missed out on in my childhood.

I thought of myself as an ambitious woman. But the actions I was ready to take were just opposite. I was ready to give up my job and move to a different country.

Moving to a different country was a escape route. I was bored with my job. I wanted everyone to gawk at my lavish wedding. I wanted to be in an eternal bond that my parents did not have. I wanted to prove my mother wrong. I wanted to believe that seeing stars while kissing someone means you’ve found your soulmate.

I was naive.

I was insecure. I still am.

The wedding never happened. For at least a month after he called it off, I felt like Miss. Havisham (Great Expectations).

I thought of the wedding dress and jewellery I bought but never got to wear. The marriage hall we booked that my Mother had to cancel. The embarrassment. The hurt. The anger.

But all that started slowly weaning off. I started shifting between denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Denial made my hand tremble involuntarily. Denial made me check my phone for his texts and calls.

Anger made me toss away few of the gifts and perhaps memories. Anger made me blame everything on him. Anger made me not talk to my mother for days.

Bargaining made me buy a ticket to the other country to go visit him and convince him to take me back. Bargaining made me WhatsalApp him (after insults and word-injuries) and tell him how much he means to me. “I want to be with you. No one else.”

Depression, my friend for years, showed up finally. Depression made me go on dates. Sadly, I’d compare every guy with my ex and end up crying myself to sleep later in the night. Depression sure fits the name it’s got!

Acceptance. Not sure if I am there yet. Somedays I am aware of what happened and why I am not living the life I dreamt of. Other days, I say hello to Anger and Depression.

That’s when those painful words creep in. Loud and clear. White and bold.

“I can’t be with you.”

As if, I am an untouchable. A thing that you toss away when you are done with the good parts.

I remember feeling a pang in my heart for a moment. Then I felt relief. “He said it”, I thought. “He said it. My idea of happiness ends here. Now, I can begin a new journey.”

This hope of a new beginning kept me going. I felt more suicidal when I was with him than I feel now.

I saw stars when we kissed for the first time. But he is not my soulmate.

It was really, really tough getting through the months after. My eyes welled up in my hike meeting when the HR asked, “Are you ok?’ Embarrassing. But that did not stop me from dressing up well and showing up on time to work.

My productivity took a hit. My social media posts reduced. I still struggle to keep myself motivated every day.

Luckily, in the last few months I made friends, traveled (will travel more), and have started to plan my future as a scriptwriter/filmmaker. Mostly documentaries.

Marriage and kids. I want both. Marriage, may be not so much. A kid, yes. If I become financially stable enough.

No, I am not ok yet. But I am not unhappy either. I still belive in love. I still believe I will be really happy someday.

I want to forgive him (and myself) and forget. I do not want to hold on to this baggage.

In my gut, I know that all this happened for a greater purpose. I was meant to stay here. I was meant to meet the people that I do. I was meant to learn from mistakes.

Experience is never a waste. It only enriches life. It opens up the tunnel view and changes perspectives. It’s fulfilling. Everything does get better with time.

Me in Alleppey, Kerala, India