Earlier this year I was told the most painful thing. And it changed my life.
In 2017 and 2018, I was in a dreamland. Contemplating marriage and kids. Somehow I felt marriage and kids would give me the happiness of family life I missed out on in my childhood.
I thought of myself as an ambitious woman. But the actions I was ready to take were just opposite. I was ready to give up my job and move to a different country.
Moving to a different country was a escape route. I was bored with my job. I wanted everyone to gawk at my lavish wedding. I wanted to be in an eternal bond that my parents did not have. I wanted to prove my mother wrong. I wanted to believe that seeing stars while kissing someone means you’ve found your soulmate.
I was naive.
I was insecure. I still am.
The wedding never happened. For at least a month after he called it off, I felt like Miss. Havisham (Great Expectations).
I thought of the wedding dress and jewellery I bought but never got to wear. The marriage hall we booked that my Mother had to cancel. The embarrassment. The hurt. The anger.
But all that started slowly weaning off. I started shifting between denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Denial made my hand tremble involuntarily. Denial made me check my phone for his texts and calls.
Anger made me toss away few of the gifts and perhaps memories. Anger made me blame everything on him. Anger made me not talk to my mother for days.
Bargaining made me buy a ticket to the other country to go visit him and convince him to take me back. Bargaining made me WhatsalApp him (after insults and word-injuries) and tell him how much he means to me. “I want to be with you. No one else.”
Depression, my friend for years, showed up finally. Depression made me go on dates. Sadly, I’d compare every guy with my ex and end up crying myself to sleep later in the night. Depression sure fits the name it’s got!
Acceptance. Not sure if I am there yet. Somedays I am aware of what happened and why I am not living the life I dreamt of. Other days, I say hello to Anger and Depression.
That’s when those painful words creep in. Loud and clear. White and bold.
“I can’t be with you.”
As if, I am an untouchable. A thing that you toss away when you are done with the good parts.
I remember feeling a pang in my heart for a moment. Then I felt relief. “He said it”, I thought. “He said it. My idea of happiness ends here. Now, I can begin a new journey.”
This hope of a new beginning kept me going. I felt more suicidal when I was with him than I feel now.
I saw stars when we kissed for the first time. But he is not my soulmate.
It was really, really tough getting through the months after. My eyes welled up in my hike meeting when the HR asked, “Are you ok?’ Embarrassing. But that did not stop me from dressing up well and showing up on time to work.
My productivity took a hit. My social media posts reduced. I still struggle to keep myself motivated every day.
Luckily, in the last few months I made friends, traveled (will travel more), and have started to plan my future as a scriptwriter/filmmaker. Mostly documentaries.
Marriage and kids. I want both. Marriage, may be not so much. A kid, yes. If I become financially stable enough.
No, I am not ok yet. But I am not unhappy either. I still belive in love. I still believe I will be really happy someday.
I want to forgive him (and myself) and forget. I do not want to hold on to this baggage.
In my gut, I know that all this happened for a greater purpose. I was meant to stay here. I was meant to meet the people that I do. I was meant to learn from mistakes.
Experience is never a waste. It only enriches life. It opens up the tunnel view and changes perspectives. It’s fulfilling. Everything does get better with time.
officeboredomblog 