Confession Of A Depressed Girl

Who is happy? Are you?

At this point of my life I don’t see anyone around me happy, needless to say that I top the “unhappy list.” Practically I should be very happy. I am getting a better pay, got a better job, learning a lot and I am confident now that I will make a mark in this world. But I am not happy.

Love hurts.

Why does love hurt so much? Why can’t I breath. Why can’t I concentrate. Why does my personal life have everything to do with me being truly happy? Why can’t I just be happy by buying something online or from the mall. Why do I keep thinking whether I will ever find someone to truly love, who would love me back.

I don’t feel loved. Makes it tough for me to love.For how long can you be persistent?

I hate this ‘me’. I know how much I resist change. I don’t want to change myself. But change is needed for survival. Remember? Survival of the fittest? If I don’t change, if I don’t become the “ice-queen” (exaggerated) I won’t win the lands.

What if I had nothing to lose?

I have tried the “sane way”; to accept that I am very emotional and I will remain this way forever.But the “sane way” is not serving the purpose. I am going more and more into the shit-hole, hopeless that I will ever be able to walk away. Even if I don’t physically walk away, I should be able to do that mentally. Do you have any idea how powerful your mind is? It can create heaven. It can wreck havoc. Don’t let your mind wreck havoc on you. Let others see you as the calm soul, the ordinary person. But one power that your mind has is to wreck havoc on others’ minds. Sounds criminal. But when you are in so much pain that you cannot talk  but type your feelings out, I guess these thoughts can give a certain sense of victory in your imagination. For few minutes if that brings happiness, why not?

You may hate me for this. But I am tired of pleasing others. I don’t want to impress anybody.

I know I am depressed, but I don’t want to be here all my life. I have often heard people say, “don’t expect too much.” Why not? If I think that I am worth it, why would I not expect? If I expect nothing more than fidelity from my boyfriend, am I expecting too much? If I want my mom to cook a simple dinner for me (common in Indian families), am I expecting too much? If I want my friend to understand that I need to talk about a certain problem, am I expecting too much? Good thing, friends seldom disappoint.

We, the depressed, value this life. We value time (though we spend it mostly being depressed). We value people who mean a lot to us. We give our best to them. We give everything that we can to make them happy, see them smile, protect them from getting hurt and in return we expect nothing but truthfulness. We expect our best friends to keep the secret a secret. We expect simple joys of life such as holding hands or taking good care of each other. We expect that we would be as successful in reality as we are in our minds. For us, life is too short and we have so much to achieve; love, career, money, peace. All of these are tough to get and failure sends us to the shit-hole. Our minds start running in every direction possible and it gets so over worked that we feel tired physically. So, we sleep. Dreams are the only place where everything is perfect.

Escapist!

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A New Job

I joined a company as a content creator last month. It’s been busy since then. A lot has changed. New colleagues, new targets and new goals.

The other day I had a one on one session with the Editor and the CEO. Well, it’s  a start-up company, and the total strength if employees is about a 100. So, you can expect me talking to the CEO or people of that level often 😉 He asked me where do I see myself in 5 years… ahhh… I dread such questions (introduce yourself!). I quite confidently said, I want to get a MBA degree and start my own company. His next question was, how would the MBA  help me? Ummmm… and I said…well… I will know how I can manage a start-up business. Now, he narrowed his eye-brows and looked at me and asked, “Suppose you have all the money and all the time…would you still opt for MBA?”  hmmm… I guess he guessed why I wanted to do MBA. Yea.. get a huge salary and promotion!

At the end of the session, I came out of the meeting room very very confused but relieved. Confused because my short-term plan is now cancelled and relieved because, I am scared of mathematics as hell. One of my friends, who is a MBA, asked me to sleep on it and then think about it later. But then, as crazy and anxious as I am, I thought about it for the next two days. I planned out what I can do in the future and whether I should focus on what I am doing right now and how that will help me in the future. It seems, as per my goals, MBA would not help me. At least as of now.

I am shifting to a new and better place in the coming months. I have joined keyboards classes. I am learning to play snooker and foosball (in office) and I am on my way to become a certified nutritionist! What?!!!

The saddest part of so much happiness is that, I misunderstood my boyfriend’s depression as his ignorance towards me. He is such a confident and happy person. He goes to the gym, he plays cricket and tennis. He also goes on drives and goes swimming. He watches movies, goes to the mall. It is hard to notice or understand why such an active person would be depressed. Until, he opened up to me one day. It made me sadder that he couldn’t/ wouldn’t share things with me.

He needs a job change. I understand that. When I was in that sh**** job, I was as unhappy and frustrated as he is now. He is also home-sick and he has not been eating right. Anyway, I told him to see a doctor. If he was here with me, I would have gone with him.

Yesterday I was checking out videos on youtube  on how to help your near and dear ones with depression and suddenly it struck me that, I have to take a hold on this situation now. I have to help him out of this. I somehow feel that this is what I should do to fight my depression. I should help people with depression in some way or the other because I understand now how depression can be. When I was a depressed teenager, my parents thought that I was just being a moody teenager. But that was not that. I had no idea why I felt that way and I did not know how to express it.

I still feel that there is so much anger and so much tears held back in me. I almost feel choked whenever I talk about depression. Today, when my music teacher asked me why I am taking these classes, I really wanted to tell him that… I am just lost and I can’t find myself. Please help me. Instead I said, “to relax my mind” and smiled.

 

Sunny Side Up Pizza With Grilled Cheese Sandwich

I have been cooking this for a while and thought you guys might like it too. Its a perfect nutritious breakfast to start your day with. So here’s how I cook it:

Ingredients

Egg (ideally 1 or 2)
1/4th of a Capsicum
1/2 a Tomato
1/2 Onion
Cheese
1-2 teaspoon Any flavor-less oil
Brown Breads (As many as you want, I eat 2)
1/2 a teaspoon of Cumin Seeds (paste or powder won’t do)
1/2 or 1 Green Chilli
Salt

How To Cook 

  • Chop capsicum, onion and tomato in equal sized small cubes.
  • Make thin slices of the green chili.
  • Heat about 1-2 teaspoons of vegetable oil in a non-stick frying pan
  • Put in the cumin seeds and fry until they start browning
  • As the cumin seeds start browning, throw in the slices of chili ( cover your nose :D), fry it for 5-7 seconds
  • Add the chopped onions and fry until they start browning
  • Now add the chopped capsicum and tomato, add a little salt and fry for about 5-10 seconds
  • Meanwhile grate generous amount of cheese on one brown bread, place the other brown bread on top and put it for grilling.
  • Spread the semi-fried veggies evenly on the pan
  • Break 1 or 2 egg(s) and evenly spread the egg while on the veggies. Sprinkle a little salt on top of the egg(s). Make sure not to break the egg yolks
  • When the egg(s) is (are) fried enough that you know it will be easy for you to transfer on the serving plate without breaking, grate the cheese on the egg(s) and let it melt.
  • Now, smoothly transfer the steaming hot goodness onto a serving plate
  • Cut the grilled cheese sandwich in half (hot melted cheese will ooze out) and place it beside the fried eggs
  • Don’t wait, eat! 😛
egg fry2
Let the veggies show color

Alternatives

  • You can use butter instead of vegetable oil.
  • You may not use the cumin seeds, but I say, it gives personality to the fried eggs.
  • You may use finely chopped broccoli.
  • You may use pepper instead of chilies.
  • You may sprinkle some chili flakes and oregano (don’t use cumin seeds in that case) on top of the eggs.
  • You may just grill the breads without the cheese.
  • If you are working on losing weight, use just a little cheese on the eggs, but that’s a must 😉

Nutrition Value

All the ingredients here such as the  veggies (semi-fried), cheese, oil and wheat bread, are loaded with vitamins, minerals, proteins and antioxidants.

Don’ts

  • Do not do not over heat the oil.
  • Do not over fry the veggies.
  • Do not burn down your kitchen, use the exhaust fan or chimney.
  • Before exiting the kitchen make sure you have turned off everything, including the lights.

Thank you for reading this and even better if you try it out and let me know whether you liked it or not 🙂

Home Alone

I walked the serpentine lane alone. I walked slower than usual. The trees and the buildings passed by, guys of all sort checked me out top to bottom as I walked past them, few cars lazily drove by but all I could hear was one voice.

Is it not true that we come in this world alone and we die alone? Then why are we so dependent on each other? Why do we need our parents, why do we need that one special person to spend the rest of our life? Why is love so important for me?

If you love someone, set him/her free. If he/she comes back, he/she is your true love. If not, it was never meant to happen. My father told me once.

Is it really about loving someone and setting someone else free? Or is it about setting yourself free? Free from not being wanted, free from not being loved, free from not being accepted, free from being a negative influence, free from being haunted by memories, free from expecting one phone call, free from secrets, free from apologies, free from confiding in each other, free from future plans, free from trying to be perfect… free from  me.

Every time I make up my mind to take the road less taken, I stop and see one path full of roses and thorns and the other quiet, calm, smooth but very lonely.

If I take the road less taken, I will set the caged bird free.

 

 

The Fanny Ardant in Me

I bumped into an article published in The Guardian and I fell in love with Fanny Ardant. I did not know her till today, I have not been fortunate enough to see any of her movies, I do not know anything about her success as a movie star, however, after reading the article, I recognized similar emotions in her, as me.

“I see things noir. I have a great black veil that falls over my head. I have never seen a psychoanalyst, though. I think if I did I would cry and cry a torrent of tears and never stop.”
“People say I am always exaggerating, but the only thing interesting in life is love. Whether we are happy or not, love is the essential. Everything else – money, power, glory – just fills the hole left by an absence of love.” 

Many times I have looked up psychiatrists online, but I never went ahead to get a “treatment”. It would be too embarrassing to cry and talk about all the secrets of my family and me, in front of a total stranger. Wouldn’t he/she judge me? Would she be able to understand what I am going through and would I be able to overcome my problems if I saw a psychiatrist? Is seeing a psychiatrist still a taboo here? What would I say? Will I be able to reveal why I couldn’t study and get a better score in high school ? Will I be able to tell what I saw as an infant?

So, I never went to see the psychiatrist. Like Fanny Ardant, I pretend. I think I would be an amazing actor! Though these days it has been tough pretending happy when I am not. All I want to do is sit in a dark sound-proof room and stare into the darkness. As if trying to find a little light. Would my mind stop talking then?

I like it or not, Love has always been the priority of my life. I think to spend time with the few people that matter the most, including yourself, is the best gift that one can give and get. Love, is what will make me stay. I often daydream about a full blown start-up business of my own. The power that money will bring me. The power to softly declare my win against the “friends” who think that I am a failure. The power to shut my relatives’ mouths. The power to employ and fire. The power to play with the bulls. I am sure all this will be more meaningful and fulfilling if I have my Love by my side. Without Love, I will not be truly happy. I don’t think I will ever be so successful without Love. Love makes me full on powerful and at times powerless. It builds me and destroys me. I know it is fleeting, but I have not given up on Love  yet.

I once wrote to my boyfriend in a dramatic way, after a bitter altercation, asking him to exchange souls for one day and see what my mind sees, what I feel when he behaves in a certain way and why I am so insecure. But if God really gave me that power, would I allow such pain to occur to him? He is innocent. He has not experienced what I did in a very early life. Would I spoil his innocence?
Never.

 

So Can I

How much is too much? Who set the boundary? No one. You are free. You can do as you may please. So can I. Would you judge me then? Yes it’s true, you are nothing like me. I can love like I will lose you. I can destroy like nothing could ever be built again. That’s why I love. This second, I don’t take it for granted.

Memories I made many, I have washed away many. Its a natural process that our brain does. It relieves us from any extra unnecessary information. I have sent down that path, many. Many, who created chaos in my head, who pained my heart. I forget. I walk ahead. That’s why I keep asking about the time that was spotless. To see if there is still hope.

But you call me one morning, wake me up from my forgotten dream and give me a reality check. Yes, you can do as you please. When time comes, so can I.

The Them

I am so disgusted with them that unless I vent out my bottled up anger, I won’t be at peace.

I am an idiot for enduring this for more than a year now.

A very naive scientist once wanted to publish his research work in one of the scientific journals.He e-mailed one of  “the them”:

“It would be a pleasure to get my article published in your invaluable journal”, he wrote.
“Hey look what this guy has written”, she said to me.
I read, smiled and said, “congratulations!”
“Ahh…can’t you see, he has written invaluable journal and yet he wants to submit his article!”

Bummer

This situation repeated itself twice and both the times “the them” was a manager.

Double bummer.

I am so angry at myself for not leaving this job much earlier that I feel like picking up the TV and thrashing it on the floor.I am so in destruction mode right now (reminds me of goddess Kali) that I can destroy everything in my apartment. Putting up a smiling face and talking to “the them” even when I don’t want to, but I have to, makes it even worse. Slightest of interaction with “the them” makes it clear that this is not my place. This is not where I am supposed to be. This is not what I deserve. I deserve much better.

I really want to backlash out at “the them” one day, but I realize, that would be too childish, too immature, too predictable. I am not predictable. I won’t let them predict my actions.

God! I just need the strength of few more days to bear with “the them”.

Its a wonder how you plan your future in a certain way and then you land yourself in an alien place, surrounded with aliens (while the aliens also think of you as an alien!) and interact with each other in language unknown. You look at their ugly faces, as they look at your ugly face, listen to their jokes and wonder which part exactly was the funny part, listen to an alien “fashionista” criticize your sense of style (how dare “the them”) and on top of it “the them” take it for granted that you are a “fool alien” and you do not understand their cruel intentions.

I am done with this.

I will work so hard this year that I will remove “the them” off my life.

They can go kiss each other’s asses.

 

 

Going Nowehere

Last one week and this week has been quite emotionally tiring. No one can escape from reality. We all have to face it. We may hide from it for a while, but unless we face the challenges, small or big, tiring or exciting, we never overcome these temporary challenges.

I can’t seem to overcome this dark shadow of feeling so helpless and feeling so downtrodden, as if I have lost all. I have lost myself in this whirlpool of different emotions. Once I went to an art exhibition when I was in middle school with my father. The artist painted emotions! Yes. He painted anger, love, hate, happiness… One thing I took from there is the circular-rough pattern of these painted emotions! Now when I feel too low, I feel a chunk of mixed emotions on my chest and it moves in circular motion.

I wish I could just lie down on my bed in the comfort of a warm blanket and watch TV all day long. I wish I had the privilege of not talking to anyone for at least a day. I don’t want to talk to myself too. I want the merry-go-round to stop. I wish I could eat whatever I wanted without having to worry about putting on more weight.

We scurry like little mice, in search of food, in search of a faithful partner, in search of happiness but where do we actually go? Nowhere. We fall into the same patterns of our behavior, same situations but different people and place, same emotions, same troubles, same thoughts, same boredom of familiarity, same excitement and same resentment.

I think we are jokers to our audience and the show is for free.

I want to go back to the sunflower field, that I passed everyday on my way to and from school. I want to sit there and see the sunflowers move their heads as the sun moved from east to west. I want a Spotless Mind. I want to finish writing a simple essay on COW, that my mom would dictate and as soon as I finish, I want to rush out to the garden and play with my dog and my imaginary friends.  Climb up on a tree and sit there with my long lost childhood friend, rescue kittens and puppies from the street and bring home to keep them, only to return them back to the place from where we rescued them, run and fall, fight and not talk and become friends again. How easy was it to be friends again in childhood. How easy was it to forgive and be forgiven.

Scurry mice scurry, there is no time for all this non-sense, your audiences are waiting!

IMG_20150725_131205905

 

Unanswered

Cello-piano
Or
Electric guitar-double bass drum

High of the weed
Or
Low after you are gone
Your afterglow

The cold breeze
Or
Hot summer sun
Burning my skin

The faraway land
Or
This crowded city
Which you left a little while ago

Nowhere
Nothing
Would ever
Leave me wondering
Why? Why now?
What happened?

As your purple anger
Silent and waiting
To release the demons
Of your unleashed tongue

And when everything calms down
Our graves would open
Hissing our names
Come 

Why? What happened to us?
What happened to us…

 

 

Void

Don’t exactly know which way this will go
Six months?
Maybe yes, maybe no.

I have been dreaming for so long
Its tough to tell which is real
The dream or the hatred.

I miss home, its far away from here
Like you and me;
Our distance growing further.

I am no more the charisma
And I am lost
“What have I done?”

A hideous crime
I have bludgeoned myself
And killed your time.

If I had a time machine
I would save you all the pain
Of knowing me.

Beyond the horizon
I want to disappear
Then why is it so tough to do so, now?

Don’t exactly know which way this will go
Six months?
Maybe yes, maybe no.

IMG_20150725_132544920_HDR