So Can I

How much is too much? Who set the boundary? No one. You are free. You can do as you may please. So can I. Would you judge me then? Yes it’s true, you are nothing like me. I can love like I will lose you. I can destroy like nothing could ever be built again. That’s why I love. This second, I don’t take it for granted.

Memories I made many, I have washed away many. Its a natural process that our brain does. It relieves us from any extra unnecessary information. I have sent down that path, many. Many, who created chaos in my head, who pained my heart. I forget. I walk ahead. That’s why I keep asking about the time that was spotless. To see if there is still hope.

But you call me one morning, wake me up from my forgotten dream and give me a reality check. Yes, you can do as you please. When time comes, so can I.

The Them

I am so disgusted with them that unless I vent out my bottled up anger, I won’t be at peace.

I am an idiot for enduring this for more than a year now.

A very naive scientist once wanted to publish his research work in one of the scientific journals.He e-mailed one of  “the them”:

“It would be a pleasure to get my article published in your invaluable journal”, he wrote.
“Hey look what this guy has written”, she said to me.
I read, smiled and said, “congratulations!”
“Ahh…can’t you see, he has written invaluable journal and yet he wants to submit his article!”

Bummer

This situation repeated itself twice and both the times “the them” was a manager.

Double bummer.

I am so angry at myself for not leaving this job much earlier that I feel like picking up the TV and thrashing it on the floor.I am so in destruction mode right now (reminds me of goddess Kali) that I can destroy everything in my apartment. Putting up a smiling face and talking to “the them” even when I don’t want to, but I have to, makes it even worse. Slightest of interaction with “the them” makes it clear that this is not my place. This is not where I am supposed to be. This is not what I deserve. I deserve much better.

I really want to backlash out at “the them” one day, but I realize, that would be too childish, too immature, too predictable. I am not predictable. I won’t let them predict my actions.

God! I just need the strength of few more days to bear with “the them”.

Its a wonder how you plan your future in a certain way and then you land yourself in an alien place, surrounded with aliens (while the aliens also think of you as an alien!) and interact with each other in language unknown. You look at their ugly faces, as they look at your ugly face, listen to their jokes and wonder which part exactly was the funny part, listen to an alien “fashionista” criticize your sense of style (how dare “the them”) and on top of it “the them” take it for granted that you are a “fool alien” and you do not understand their cruel intentions.

I am done with this.

I will work so hard this year that I will remove “the them” off my life.

They can go kiss each other’s asses.

 

 

Going Nowehere

Last one week and this week has been quite emotionally tiring. No one can escape from reality. We all have to face it. We may hide from it for a while, but unless we face the challenges, small or big, tiring or exciting, we never overcome these temporary challenges.

I can’t seem to overcome this dark shadow of feeling so helpless and feeling so downtrodden, as if I have lost all. I have lost myself in this whirlpool of different emotions. Once I went to an art exhibition when I was in middle school with my father. The artist painted emotions! Yes. He painted anger, love, hate, happiness… One thing I took from there is the circular-rough pattern of these painted emotions! Now when I feel too low, I feel a chunk of mixed emotions on my chest and it moves in circular motion.

I wish I could just lie down on my bed in the comfort of a warm blanket and watch TV all day long. I wish I had the privilege of not talking to anyone for at least a day. I don’t want to talk to myself too. I want the merry-go-round to stop. I wish I could eat whatever I wanted without having to worry about putting on more weight.

We scurry like little mice, in search of food, in search of a faithful partner, in search of happiness but where do we actually go? Nowhere. We fall into the same patterns of our behavior, same situations but different people and place, same emotions, same troubles, same thoughts, same boredom of familiarity, same excitement and same resentment.

I think we are jokers to our audience and the show is for free.

I want to go back to the sunflower field, that I passed everyday on my way to and from school. I want to sit there and see the sunflowers move their heads as the sun moved from east to west. I want a Spotless Mind. I want to finish writing a simple essay on COW, that my mom would dictate and as soon as I finish, I want to rush out to the garden and play with my dog and my imaginary friends.  Climb up on a tree and sit there with my long lost childhood friend, rescue kittens and puppies from the street and bring home to keep them, only to return them back to the place from where we rescued them, run and fall, fight and not talk and become friends again. How easy was it to be friends again in childhood. How easy was it to forgive and be forgiven.

Scurry mice scurry, there is no time for all this non-sense, your audiences are waiting!

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Unanswered

Cello-piano
Or
Electric guitar-double bass drum

High of the weed
Or
Low after you are gone
Your afterglow

The cold breeze
Or
Hot summer sun
Burning my skin

The faraway land
Or
This crowded city
Which you left a little while ago

Nowhere
Nothing
Would ever
Leave me wondering
Why? Why now?
What happened?

As your purple anger
Silent and waiting
To release the demons
Of your unleashed tongue

And when everything calms down
Our graves would open
Hissing our names
Come 

Why? What happened to us?
What happened to us…

 

 

Void

Don’t exactly know which way this will go
Six months?
Maybe yes, maybe no.

I have been dreaming for so long
Its tough to tell which is real
The dream or the hatred.

I miss home, its far away from here
Like you and me;
Our distance growing further.

I am no more the charisma
And I am lost
“What have I done?”

A hideous crime
I have bludgeoned myself
And killed your time.

If I had a time machine
I would save you all the pain
Of knowing me.

Beyond the horizon
I want to disappear
Then why is it so tough to do so, now?

Don’t exactly know which way this will go
Six months?
Maybe yes, maybe no.

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A Sunday Well Spent

I am feeling more optimistic and positive these days. The Silent Guy has a big part in it. 

In January I joined a NGO for volunteering in its various projects. Today the NGO organized a big event, around 3000 school students came from various parts of the state and took part in various competitions such as clay modelling, drawing, dancing, singing, Rangoli, sports, Just A Minute, Mad Ad etc.

I reached at 8 am sharp and I was astounded to see so many participants and volunteers. I was assigned the job of guiding the students and teachers to find their way into the various halls where a particular event took place. Later when all settled down, I went to supervise the clay modelling competition along with 3 other volunteers. It was really fun to see them model clay into something really meaningful..err..sometimes not really. But it was fun. I made some new friends and I think I will soon take on the responsibility of coordinating a monthly event of feeding the poor in my area.

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IMG_20160207_095301967Ha ha…Doraemon!
IMG_20160207_111120016Rangoli
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The clean water guys

Just as I was taking the photographs, I saw the small yellow grass flowers. I missed them for so long! Ya, you heard me right. They are linked to my childhood. The house that I have talked about had so many of these yellow flowers and I remember sitting down on the ground, looking at these flowers and wondering why they were so small. A blue version of these flowers is also found. Anyway, I quickly took a snap, who knows when I might see them again.

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Scared Little, Determined More

I am dead scared of mathematics. I have been scared of it since I was in 3rd grade. Fortunately, when I was in 8th grade Mr. Srivastava took math class and he was the only one who knew how to teach students who were scared of math. He was the only one who never raised voice to scold the students, instead he smiled and explained again, more clearly and patiently. He was almost 70 years old but fit and still working. I guess more than 30 years of teaching students made him understand student’s psychology.
He had a soft corner for me. He told my mum once, in a parent-teacher’s meeting that I look like his granddaughter. He praised me for my determination to do well and for being sincere.
Last I saw him was when I went to his house to take his blessings before leaving home for studying in a prestigious University,1700 miles down south. How time flies!
All these years I have been studying Molecular biology and had been in no touch with mathematics. At least not much. Now that I have to take my career to a different level, I have to crack an exam which tests basic math skills. I took a mock test to find out where my skill level was and the result was dreadful. My confidence level dropped to negative 10.
But things have changed. I don’t have school exam, I have a boss who drives me nuts. I have colleagues who talk about office politics, secret affairs and daily soaps. This situation is more scary than mathematics! 😀
So, I got up one day, took time to understand “mixtures and solutions” lesson, saw some real good videos on YouTube and I took a mock test. Solved correctly 3 out of 4 hard level problems and that too in half the time of other student’s average time. Now it has become fun. Actually there are a lot of good people who have shared online the tricks for solving complex-looking-simple-math-problems in half the time. My heartfelt thanks to them.
Everyday in office I sulk and think about when I will go back and start studying 🙂 The more I practice the better I am becoming and I am loving this feeling. The more I go to office the more determined I am becoming to get a very good score. 
Lastly I would like to add, thank you for reading my posts. If you need any help with GMAT/GRE or if you wish to help me out in my near future goal, please comment or e-mail me (see contact).
I am happy to share a happy post with you all after a long long time. Stay blessed.
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Somewhere But Nowhere

I don’t know what is it about you. How can someone else make my day or break my day, if I don’t allow it?

It has been a long long time, since I have felt that my emotions are not ruled by a second person. Why am I so sensitive? But I shudder to think what it would be if I  become like them. The world will call me insecure and stick other labels to my name and I will always be that girl who is not independent, who has a fickle mind and who’s day is made good or bad by someone else. Sometimes I think, maybe it is better to not give all the importance that I give to my few dearies.

But if I do that, I will cease to exist.

Would they still like/love me then? Or would they be happy to see me, Cold?

Is this one of the faults of my star, that I draw people towards me like a magnet, but when they are near enough, I repel them like a pungent smell? Someone who better be forgotten than cherished?

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Practicing Mathematics and Thinking Food!

Hey everybody, thank you for taking a look at my blog. So, I have been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of mathematics this week. And guess what? I am still terrible in mathematics. So lets come to the thinking part.
I LOVE to eat. I am huge fan of Nigella Lawson and Jamie Oliver. Of course, I am a huge fan of my mum’s cooking too. It’s kind of strange, my mother cooks Bengali cuisine, while Nigella Lawson and Jamie Oliver cook/are experts in British cuisine (or rather say any other cuisine other than Bengali food). I might not be hundred percent accurate here (sorry). I have seen Gordon Ramsey cook the traditional Bengali Steamed Hilsa in Mustard sauce!

My mum has been collecting Bengali recipes for years now. These are the recipes that people have forgotten or have never heard of. Many people take pride in the history of their family  recipes and Bengalis are no exception. As my mum too, was a working woman, we mostly ate food that was easy to make. I am absolutely proud to say that even though she used to be extremely busy, she never asked us to eat in the school canteen. She cooked for us everyday.
So, she has a fat diary, filled with Bengali food recipes and I am thinking of trying to cook them all, every weekend one by one and document it in a new blog. I agree, I am not an expert cook, but I am doing this because, my mum needs a nudge. I need to start, so that she gets inspired and then maybe she will take some interest and maybe put her magic masala into this journey.

I will go home this time and take all the help from mum and my sister, to make the first dish. I will also take all the help from you, to design my blog in the best possible way and hope I will keep you hooked 🙂

Until, Next Time

I am afraid of the Next Time.
Next time, I will be not me.
Next Time, I won’t give my heart.
Next Time, I won’t say a word.
Next Time, you will never get to know Me.
Next Time, I will set my priorities right.
Next Time, I will be materialistic.
Next Time, only Gold and Diamonds will bring a smile.
Next Time, I won’t look up to you.
Next Time, I won’t be hurt.
Next Time, I will put on a facade.
Next Time, you will not know what’s going on.
Next Time, my dreams will be my dreams.
Next Time, I will go wherever you want me to be.
Next Time, I will take my past seriously.
Next Time, I will be loyal, only to me.
I am afraid of Next Time.
How I might turn out to be.

Next time, I will not disturb your peace,
If we ever bump into each other, in this life time.