I had just been scolded for not being on the top ten in my class. I was 12 years old. She was angry. Very very angry. I saw the anger, the hurt, the hopelessness in her eyes. I had tutors, still I could not be on the top ten. I sat on my bed, beside the window, looked at the trees, listened to the hush of cars passing by on the road that connects the Airport to the main city and felt hollow. Tears rolled down my cheek, warm and salty. I had never felt this way before.
What have you done? You don’t deserve the new dress that you wanted. Your friends will laugh at you. They will laugh behind you. No teachers will like you. What will you say to your aunt when she visits? Would she not scold you more? I do not deserve any happiness until I clear this mess up. I thought.
Over the years, since that afternoon, somehow the fear of failure has become stronger than my determination to win. I have tried and failed. I have gone into a shell. I do not dare come out. Sleep. Sleep on it. Dream. Dreams can make you feel better for a while. Sleep will take the pain of facing the reality. Feeling dissatisfied because you are procrastinating? Eat. Chocolates and other comfort food. Watch a lot of TV. Watch the cartoons and fall asleep.
But it doesn’t stop there. I had to have fun too. I had to be the “cool” girl. Hide your true feelings and put on a smile on your face. Hang out with musician friends. No body wants to hear your sad stories. Who wants to hang out with a boring girl? So, I was the popular girl. Singing in the college band, doing well in my class, hanging out with super talented girls and boys. Not once could they guess what was happening inside me. What I have gone through. Why should they? Why should they think about an arrogant, proud, selfish girl?
I am depressed one day. I am super happy the other day.
Tell me two faced creature what’s happening?
This day, when I am writing this post, I know what is/was happening. How can it be cured, I know. But it is very tough. It is tough to stop the grey clouds from covering me and stopping them from whispering their ill thoughts into my mind. It is tough to know whether I am truly happy or whether this is my mind playing tricks on me. They say that you can control your mind, but all I to do is try to control the whole world around me.
Believe me, I want to be successful in life as much as any other person. I know that probably I have to put in more effort than many of you. Others, like me, I know what it is to have a talking mind. Uncontrollable mind.
Dangerous it is more than any deadly disease.